Awesome Lessons

So I've decided to give awesome lessons. The thought occurred to me one day at work when I decided my co-worker G. needed lessons. I mean, just look at that un-awesome website. What is awesome? What does it mean, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

awe·some - adj.

1. Inspiring awe: an awesome thunderstorm.


2. Expressing awe: stood in awesome silence before the ancient ruins.


3. Slang. Remarkable; outstanding: “a totally awesome arcade game” (Los Angeles Times).
   

In layman's terms, awesome is pretty much everything I do. Right, just hang out with me to learn what awesome really is, and it's very affordable. One half hour lesson is only $19.95 plus tax. One hour lessons are $34.95 plus tax. You will learn more about awesome in 30 or 60 minutes with me than you would watching days of Burt Reynolds movies.

Why am I awesome? What makes me qualified to give lessons? It boils down to the Cosmic Shame, really. I was born with it. And for those unfortunate souls who weren't, I can help you. Heck, check this out:

• I designed and built the Statue of Liberty in three days.
  
• I have the widest vocal range of any known creature, coming in at 53 octaves.
  
• I have been known to eat an entire 5-gallon bucket of oatmeal, dry.
  
• I cleaned up the Valdez oil spill with three sponges and an old pair of underwear.
  
• Once, I rode a badger bare-back non-stop from Seattle, Washington to Mexico City. Yeah, in Mexico.
  
• I beat Ken Jennings in an untelevised Jeopardy! challenge at the Fugly Bar and Grill in Salt Lake City, Utah. Trebek was there.
  
• Need I continue?
  

When you need awesomeness and no one else can help, if you can find them, maybe you can hire The A(wesome) Team (which is really just me).