Inside Mr. KaryHead

The End has come

2006-03-14T17:03:00.000-06:00

There will be nothing new posted at this URL. Ever. Fin.

You'll want to go here -> karyhead.com

karyhead.com - Update your bookmarks/feeds!

2006-03-09T01:47:00.000-06:00

I think I've gotten it to the point that I'm ready to open the doors. Everything's new and still smells nice but that doesn't mean there won't be problems.

I've tested it on Safari, Camino and Firefox on a Mac. Also IE 6.x and Firefox on Windows XP. Surprisingly, IE doesn't make me want to cry. There's some issues, but hopefully no show-stoppers.

I've migrated all of my Blogger content plus comments over to the new site. The picture layouts are a bit wonky but I'll get around to prettying that up later.

I spent a lot of time on the layout and structure aspects. It's all XHTML/CSS. It probably doesn't validate, I'll worry about that later as well. Hopefully I can spend some time on the graphic design part and make it look a little sleeker/snazzier/sweller.

I should wait and post this in the morning, but...

Please let me know about any issues that you see.

karyhead.com

Let's make it a three-fer

2006-03-08T16:54:00.000-06:00

I'm going for the hat trick on posting today.

I saw this a while back. Talk about embarrassing

KAJ

2006-03-08T13:54:00.000-06:00

So Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (KAJ) had a cameo on Scrubs recently. I was like "That's cool, I haven't seen him in a while." Then I remembered how much I hate him. And Magic. And Worthy. I think you can figure out why.

You know it's happened to you

2006-03-08T13:19:00.000-06:00

This is why I read dooce every day. And the way she spoke about why things are funnier when her husband laughs, I've heard M say the same thing. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. And a bit gassy.

Comedy Challenge

2006-03-06T22:55:00.000-06:00

There has been a lack of original comedy content for Rufus-only-knows how long on this site. I'd like to say it's because I'm busy preparing karyhead.com 1.0. Well that's true, but there's been a lack of good content here for ages.

So.

This post has little to do with that. But it got me thinking. I know some of my local fellows in comedy read this crap.

So. Here's what I'm proposing.

We take a suggesion on a subject from the blog audience, ala improv, then write up some stand up material and go to Dave's Darkhorse next Monday night at open mic night and deliver it. Let the audience decide which one they like best. Winner buys the others a round at the bar. Or something.

So, we take suggestions via comments. Decide on a topic. Write funny (hopefully) original material, go to Dave's next Monday night and kill. Audience decides who wins.

Yes, this scares the bejeebus out of me. That's why it's fun and exciting. Matt and Houston have done it. It can be done. They should join in the challenge.

Who accepts my challenge?

WHAT?!

2006-03-05T20:34:00.000-06:00

Another SNL Digital Short from The Dudes.

Natalie Portman. Sure, she's beautiful but I've always gotten the feeling she's a bit of a, uh, princess if you will. Well anyway, she gets a couple of cool points for this, as she co-wrote it.

Watch while you can, NBC will prolly ask youtube to remove it.

WHAT?!

Terror By Gaslight TV spot

2006-02-28T23:04:00.000-06:00

This is a spot the director, Lyle, and I did the Friday before the show opened. You can still see the show if you haven't yet. Wednesday through Saturday at 7:30pm. 662-323-6855 for reservations.

(4MB, Quicktime)

Have you seen this? (updated - again)

2006-02-27T10:15:00.000-06:00

I had originally posted a youtube link about the autistic kid that played in his high school basketball game. Not once but twice the link has died. Now I know why. CBS has made youtube pull it. I've found a few different versions but the one I linked was the best story presentation of the bunch. More via boingboing.

Great Wall - Live

2006-02-24T01:15:00.000-06:00

My last clip from the RWS Vaudeville show. This song closed the show and it was awesome. The Great Wall is a chinese eatery in the student union on campus. Sorry the sound sucks, we hope to actually shoot a music video of it this semester. Singer is Will Cooper and the dancer is Jonette Wilburn. Enjoy.

(7MB, Quicktime)

Terror By Gaslight

2006-02-23T12:10:00.000-06:00

After six weeks of rehearsing and set building, we open tonight. Show dates are Feb 23rd - Feb 26th and Feb 28th - Mar 4th. Shows start at 7:30pm except for the 2:00pm Sunday matinee. Call 662-323-6855 for reservations.

This is my first regular season production with Starkville Community Theatre. Last summer, as you may recall, was my first time on stage. I participated in SCT's summer muscial revue. It was so much fun, I couldn't wait to get back on stage at SCT.

This show has a fairly large cast of 12. Everybody is great and a pleasure to work with. Unfortunately, we've all been getting sick one-by-one. I had mine a couple weeks ago and every night when we come into rehearsal someone new is sick. Hopefully we'll be able to push through and come off with a grand show. I think we will.

The director, Lyle, and his assistant director, Ellen, have been great and have made it a very easy and fun experience. They know what they want and communicate it clearly to the cast and crew. We've all had a lot of fun putting this show together and you can't ask for more.

Come on out soon (tonight is sold out) and enjoy the show. I imagine you will jump in your seat at least once.

The Bucket Game

2006-02-22T15:37:00.000-06:00

Here's a clip from the RWS Vaudeville show. This is the Bucket, or in this case, Aquarium game. I'll explain in the video. Oh, and the ending joke was a call-back to a previous game where Lily and I burnt down The Grove in Oxford (Oxford is where Ole Miss is located, our in-state rivals. The Grove is where they tailgate on gameday).

14MB, Quicktime

Barbershop Quartet

2006-02-21T16:05:00.000-06:00

Here's a sketch we performed at the RWS Vaudeville show on Feb 10th. Note that the last two lines can't be heard very well due to laughter. They are:

PA: I thought you were a barbershop quartet!
James and Matt: I thought we were a barbershop trio!

Also, there's a joke about Will's wife going into labor and Joe's the father. Will and Joe are two performers in the show. You kinda had to be at the show because a running theme was Will's girlfiend/wife cheating on him with Joe.

8.5MB Quicktime

I'm so going to get fired

2006-02-20T13:54:00.000-06:00

When a friend asked me if MSU had any job openings, I accidentally sent the reply to my boss which resulted in the following convo:

me: heck yeah. what are you willing to do and how much dignity do you have is the question(s) though.
me: whoops
boss: er
me: ssorry wrong person
boss: um
me: somebody asked for a job at MSU
me: really
boss: well THAT certainly doesn't require dignity

Then today I got the funniest (to me) spam for Viagra I've ever gotten. I then proceeded to IM the pic to my boss when I meant to send it to my co-worker. Luckily he didn't actually get it. Though when I told him what happened, he threatened a harassment lawsuit.

The pic (cartoons having sex - possibly NSFW)

Know any good jobs for a UNIX and network administrator?

Conversation in the store the other day

2006-02-19T23:36:00.000-06:00

Me: *looking at some display*
Lady: murmur murmur murmur smoke?
Me: Excuse me?
Lady: Sir, do you smoke?
Me: Uh. No.
Lady: I can't find my husband and he locked the car and the cigarettes are in it. We're from Smithville and we're driving to [somewhere I don't remember] and this is the only chance I'll get. (as she walks off I hear) I'm gonna kill him

The End is Near

2006-02-13T15:43:00.000-06:00

For this URL. I registered a domain and bought some hosting. All that's left is the work of finding a design I like, customizing it, creating content and getting it published. Ok, that's probably like 97% of the actual work of building a new website so it may be awhile before karyhead.com is open for business.

Meanwhile, RWS had the main stage show on Friday. It was Vaudeville themed and it was a hoot. If I can get my hands on a decent recording of it, I'll post some clips. The main problem with the video (mine at least) is the sound is next to worthless. All you can hear is the audience's raucous laughter. We have another show Thursday the 16th at the Wise Center. It's a fund raiser for the Horseman's Association.

Last night I had an audition for the next community theatre show, Smoke on the Mountain. It's a musical comedy set in the 1930's around a southern baptist Saturday night singin'. There's so many talented people trying out (and people who can actually play an instrument) I doubt I'll get a part. Plus I've been sick for a week and didn't have much energy. The second half of the auditions are tonight.

Rehearsals are going well for SCT's Terror by Gaslight. We open the 23rd and run 23-26 and 28-March 4. Call 662-323-6855 for reservations.

I'm getting a better feel for my character at each rehearsal. At first it was hard not to make him funny, because that's my nature, but the character, in general, isn't the comic relief. He's cohorts with the comic relief character. My character, Scrubbs, is a nasty fellow and it's been hard to connect with him. When I first read the script I felt the least connected to him than some of the other characters so it's been a fun challenge that I'm still working at. The set is looking great and the director, Lyle, has the whole show mapped out in his head, so he knows exactly what he wants and specifically what to ask for from the cast, so that's been nice.

For those that saw the comedy show on Friday night, you'll no doubt recall Will Cooper's Great Wall song. It's an original song written by himself to the tune of Aerosmith's Dream On. It's about his love for the Great Wall chinese eatery in the student union. It brought the house down, as they say. Well, we're planning a video shoot. It's. going. to. be. legendary.

I have skilled friends with lots of free time

2006-02-07T09:44:00.000-06:00

This was taped to the wall when I came into work this morning. My boss, Frank, wouldn't pay up when I turned myself in.

IMKH Radio Ep. #2

2006-02-06T16:08:00.000-06:00

This is an interview with Mark Harris, the short form improv director from Runnin' With Scissors. I plan to interview other RWS cast and crew in the future.

Show notes:

- First song is Tango Rumba-Afro-Cuban from the Mambo Kings Soundtrack
- Second song is What Would You Say by Dave Matthews Band
- Third song is So Long-Farewell-Goodbye by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
- Hopefully you have quicktime/iTunes installed. If you do, you should be able to watch and listen right here. Or download it and put it in iTunes and put it on your iPod. I went all out this time and included pictures and artwork along with the audio. HOURS OF WORK.Otherwise just grab the mp3 and MISS OUT.

Or "Save as..."

Or the plain ol' mp3 version - IMKH Radio Ep. #2 (4.5MB)

Ryan to Carla: I won't drink so much beer anymore

2006-02-05T17:08:00.000-06:00

You'll need to watch the two videos here first. Then come back and watch Ryan.

3.4MB, Quicktime

Essential Life Skills Video Series

2006-02-01T23:15:00.000-06:00

I've decided to include sponsorship on the blog. Here's my first sponsor: IMKH Essential Life Skills Video Series. Order today! You won't regret it. Yeah yeah, I'm sponsoring myself. So what? Listen anyway.

Life Skills (1.2 MB)

Thanks Lyle and Carol!

Old School

2006-02-01T00:04:00.000-06:00

This is good for a laugh. My first ever web page from 1996. I did it with a text editor (pico). I tried to update it a year later which meant changing everything to past tense.

Be warned. It's amazing.

Behold

Rogers On a Saturday Night

2006-01-30T16:50:00.000-06:00

Here is a time lapse video of our terribly awesome Saturday night.

(7.3MB, Quicktime)

More Laziness

2006-01-24T09:52:00.000-06:00

I read that there was a new digital short on SNL last Saturday. I haven't watched it yet but I'm looking forward to it.

Meanwhile check out these Lazy Sunday-inspired videos:

Lazy Monday by two kids

and

Lazy Monday the west coast answer to Lazy Sunday.

and

Lazy Holy Day Rap -- Chronicles of Jihadia The first half is really funny but the second is a little weak. And the guy can NOT rap.

IMKH Radio Ep. #1

2006-01-23T15:28:00.000-06:00

Well here we go. Episode #1 of IMKH Radio. It basically sucks. It's me rambling on with no point about my winter break. It was the first thing that came to mind when I thought about playing with the podcast software. The only cool thing is the commercial I made for it. I think it's funny.

The sound is terrible. Hopefully that'll be rectified thanks to my buddy Ryan who recommended a mic which is on the way. I'm not promising the content will be any better in the future.

Also, it's in m4a format. If that doesn't work for you, download the mp3 version. The problem is the mp3 version is THREE times as big. Obviously I don't know what I'm doing. Probably my settings in GarageBand. I'll get it figured out in the future.

Show notes:

-First song is Autumn in New York by Harry Connick Jr.
-Second song is New York State of Mind by Billy Joel
-Third song is Light Enough To Travel by The Be Good Tanyas

IMKH Radio Ep. #1 (m4a - 3.2 MB)

or

IMKH Radio Ep. #1 (mp3 - 9.4MB)

Hay

2006-01-20T16:09:00.000-06:00

iLife '06 has got some really cool things to play with. I'm playing with the podcast studio in GarageBand. I hope to finish up a trial podcast/radio-type-thingy this weekend, but I'm traveling a lot so I don't know. It won't be very good or amusing but I'm still learning and thinking of amusing things to do. The built in microphone on my powerbook is the pits so I ordered one. But I'm going to go ahead and publish the first segment? installment? before it comes in. It'll just have crappy sound.

A couple weeks ago I won my first ever pro disc golf tournament. Weird considering I suck and don't play much or practice at all. There weren't any "good" pros there anyway. But still, a win is a win. I'm playing in another event tomorrow at Tishomingo State Park. It's become tradition for my buddy Jeff, his wife and me and M to rent cabin #6. Jeff is a good cook from New Orleans and he will cook red beans and rice (oh so yummy) and M will make dessert. We drink beer and play Balderdash. Everytime a new phrase or saying from the game is created and we laugh about it all night. Good times.

Oh, I finally pulled the "Hey stop here" cord on the fat train. It'll take some time for me to get off it completely but I am putting forth a concerted effort. I'll be back to my summer slimness (and pants) in no time.

I'm RSVPing: yes

2006-01-12T13:09:00.000-06:00

I apologize for not posting sooner. Since I've been back from my holiday break (yay for state government workers' holidays) I've been busy. Not that being here for you isn't important because it might be.

What have I been busy doing you ask?

I'm doing a piece of hip-hop theatre for the Mississippi Theatre Association festival. It's called My Say and it was written by MJ Etua. It's pretty cool but we have far too many white people with no ghetto doing it. My biggest part in the show is coming out of the closet to my best friend and revealing my love for him. And he doesn't receive the news very gracefully. It's an in-your-face, audience interaction thing and I think it'll be fun. It's tonight in the lab theatre in McComas Hall probably around 8:00ish.

After that I think we're going to do some improv for the kids. This next semester is going to be good for the improv comedy troupe, I think. We've got a new organizational structure and the new leaders are ready to roll. I'm looking forward to it and I think the first show will be soon after the semester starts. I'll keep you updated.

I'll try and post something worth reading in the near future. I'm hoping to make some more videos and with iLife '06 I might be doing some podcasting or other such coolness. It'll be arriving next week.

I'm thinking about moving/integrating the blog with a complete website at a new URL. We'll see. Sounds like a lot of work. I should grab karyhead.com before some other karyhead does. Uh huh.

Big Time in the Big Apple

2006-01-05T22:34:00.000-06:00

More at Flickr. I'll write about some of it that is, uh, appropriate for public reading in the near future.

Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious

2005-12-28T00:43:00.000-06:00

Since I posted about the new SNL digital shorts, there's been a lot o' internet buzz about Lazy Sunday aka Baker's Dozen. I was updating my previous post as I found stuff but then I decided to just make a new one.

The video Lazy Sunday

and free download on iTunes

and fun icons

and t-shirts

What are Red Vines?

And I found the first digital short: Lettuce. See? I do love you.

Turns out the shorts were made by the lonely island. I haven't looked at much of the site yet but I imagine it's got some good stuff on there. These guys got hired by SNL. I guess if you do funny stuff on the internet it can lead somewhere.

Leaving for NYC tomorrow. I'll catch y'all next year.

pwn3d!!11

2005-12-22T23:04:00.000-06:00

Finally, someone around my parent's house has wireless internet. Unsecured wireless internet. DHCP didn't seem to work but tcpdump came to the rescue and I manually assigned an address to my wireless interface and here I am.

My dad had dialup a while back but canceled it 'cause he has internet access at work and didn't use it enough at home to justify the expense (I guess). My mom is, uh, scared of computers we'll say.

I got nothing exciting to say right now 'cept I'm full of good food and I'm doing some shopping tomorrow.

Hattiesburg was hit pretty hard by Katrina. Loooots of wind damage. In addition, loooots of people who lost their homes on the coast or in New Orleans have relocated here. Hattiesburg had been growing fast in the last several years and the infrastructure really hadn't kept up with the growth. Well, it totally sucks now. It's beyond suck. The traffic is ridiculous.

SNL Digital Shorts

2005-12-20T23:41:00.000-06:00

Holy crap. This is the funniest thing on TV right now. Ok, probably not THE funniest thing on TV but I laugh. Oh yes, I laugh. SNL can be iffy week to week, no doubt, but when I see a black screen with the words "An SNL Digital Short" I get ready to wet myself.

I've seen two different ones so far. The Lettuce one and the Chronic of Narnia Rap.

How much do I love you? Lots. I googled it.

Narnia Rap

and

iTunes

and fun icons

Didn't find the Lettuce one, sorry, guess I don't love you that much.

A bit from some stand up material i'm working on

2005-12-15T22:00:00.000-06:00

Check it out, I have the worst eyesight ever. In second grade I complained about not being able to see the chalkboard in school. So I tell my mom and she's all "just have the teacher move you closer." Of course I'm not going to go to the teacher myself and ask this.

It's too scary.

What if after i ask her "Ummm Ms. really-old-bitter-woman-who-thought-her-life-would-be-something-but-certainly-not -baby-sitting-brats-all-day-long-for-30-years, I, uh, can't really see the board. Could I maybe move closer?"

And then from behind her huge desk that I really couldn't see over so I just assumed that she was up there, would stand up, a smoldering fire would be in her eyes. Her old grey hair would stand on end, then the background behind her would fall away into a blackness of the abyss while she would zoom in closer, ya know, how they do in dramatic moments in movies? The backgroud goes away and the person comes closer to the screen? It always freaks me out cause you know something crazy is about to happen.

So the teacher's head with her old grey hair standing straight out and the fire in her eyes are inches away from me and she screams, nay, howls "Dare you approach the realm of the dark evil witch banshee of the 2nd grade? You may not move to another desk. It has been assigned to you for the entire year!" And her breath reaches me and it melts my face right off. This is what would happen in my head if i asked her to move to another desk.

So no, I wasn't really keen on asking the teacher myself. Anyway turns out my distance from the board wasn't the problem as my mom found out. Apparently the teacher notices my troubles on her own. The tasks where you copy some stupid paragraph about colonial america or the cotton gin off the board and turn it in for a grade. I guess that's the 2nd grade version of English class or maybe Writing. I was failing that but I was acing a little subject i call Gibberish. "What is that? - quytzx? - what do i know, i'm in 2nd grade."

So the teacher mentioned to my mom one day that she thought i had trouble seeing the board. My mom's like "well can you move him closer?" The teachers like "Well he's on the second row already." My mom was a bit stunned and she realized that she had to take me to the eye doctor and get my peepers checked out.

Ok, so we're sitting in the eye doctor's exam room. [insert bit about how he always puts my knees uncomfortably in his crotch] He turns out the lights and projects the first eye chart about 15 ft away onto the back of a door. Now the first eye chart is usually just a formality, actually the first few are, run through them until the doctor can get to the smaller ones with multiple letters that all look the same, D's and P's, Q's and O's.

Well he pops up the first one that is like you know a 2 foot square capital E. It's ginormous and I'm all squinting and "uh uh uh. hmmmm well there are several possibilities..." My mom turns and looks at the eye chart and her mouth falls open. "Kary, you can't see that?" Her blowing off of my little cries of "I can't see the board at school" hit her full force and she realizes just how bad my eyes are. And how bad of a mother she is. No, really she felt terrible about the whole thing.

Well I got me some new eyeglasses. embarking upon a journey of enduring years of name calling like "four-eyes" and other witty names. When I first put them on, I was amazed. Astounded I tell you at the whole new world that had opened to me. I could finally tell the difference between the men's and women's restroom symbols in restaurants. No more embarrassing walk ins to the ladies room and me giving some mumbled story of how i couldn't see which one was which. it didn't work then and it doesn't work now. and the looks i get from the surprised women are different too. before it was "awww are you looking for your mommy" or "are you lost little boy?" now it's "Aaahhhhh get out of here you creep" or something about calling the police. Jeezz people are soo touchy these days.

New job

2005-12-15T14:15:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I gotta new job soon. I'm getting into grave robbing. I hear anatomical schools pay good money for corpses cause they're not getting enough from just public executions at the gallows.

Ok ok ok. The truth is that I'm playing Scrubbs the grave robber in Starkville Community Theatre's production of Terror By Gaslight. I'm totally excited about it, it'll be my first regular season show at the community theatre. You've no doubt heard all about the musical revue I was a part of over the summer. The cast of the play has 12 people and the director is my talented friend, Lyle Tate, that I met during the musical revue. It's gonna be scrumtrelescent. You'll have to come see it or I will stab you in the neck.

Christmas is just around the corner, friends. Have you done all your shopping yet? Of course, I haven't started. Maybe next week. I prefer to run around in a panic, fighting the crowds at the last minute. That always gets me in a jolly Christmas cheer.

Everyone keep an eye on the Times Square webcam on the 29th, 30th and Jan 2nd. You might see me on there waving to you.

Hey, Will Cooper, I have an awesome idea for a comedy act for next semester. Think Tenacious D (without the profanity) + Weird Al + Monty Python + Bing Crosby and Bob Hope = Comedy Gold Hilarity.

Next Week on IMKH...I don't know.

Semester's Over

2005-12-06T22:35:00.000-06:00

It's been fun. I've met new and exciting people. Now it's over...until next semester anyway. I'm going to take one if not two acting classes next semester.

This semester I've gone from not know anything about acting and sucking at it to hanging onto the tip of the iceberg and still sucking at it. I made some steps of progress but I still have a lot to learn and experience until I feel like I'm not a stiff reading lines on stage; that I actually become the character. A work in progress but a FUN work in progress.

Meanwhile,

I'm trying to plan a New Year's trip to NYC.

I bought a new camera. So I need to learn how to use it properly.

M's about done with her semester. She teaches three classes of Spanish and takes four landscape architecture graduate classes. She's what we call insane. But she held up very well this semester, professionally, academically and more importantly emotionally and physically. I'm proud of her.

I'm still on the fat train.

Audition for the new SCT show next week. Meeting about another show tomorrow night.

After three plus weeks of fighting a "cold" I got tired of the coughing and snot and went to the doctor. I'm the proud daddy of one healthy upper respiratory infection. Yay for free antibiotic samples! No beer for me for a week or so.

I'm ready for Scrubs to start coming back on NBC.

The Bourne Identity is quite a good book. Way better than the movie.

I took a random poll and found that other people get "stuff" under their thumbnails. Here's the kicker, it seems to be the off-hand thumb. I'm right handed and I get crap under my left thumbnail. Other right handed people I talked to also get crap under their left thumbnail but the one left handed person I talked to gets crap under his right thumbnail. Weird.

I need to balance my checkbook.

My TiVo needs a bigger harddrive.

I once spent an entire Saturday building a cat tree. The cats rarely use it. Bastards.

My in-dash CD changer broke. Yay for ipods.

My grandfather has a malignant growth in one of his kidneys. He had some kind of new procedure where they freeze the growth done today, I think. I hope he's ok.

I'm looking forward to King Kong and Chronicles of Narnia. I saw Rent twice. Maybe a third time this weekend.

"The opposite of war isn't peace. It's creation."

Today on Fashion Focus with Mr. KaryHead

2005-12-01T14:41:00.000-06:00

I am not pushing the fashion envelope. Really, I'm not. Don't really want to. But sometimes I see something that I like, either in a store or in media and it turns out to be the Next Popular Thing. It's happened and more than once. What really sucks is when I see something that I like in a magazine or on TV and there's nowhere around here to buy it and I can't find it on the internets. It's happened and more than once. I have travelled many miles and made special trips to find something that I really liked in the past only to have it widely available weeks to months later.

The latest thing: a velvet blazer. You're saying "But Kary, I've seen those around lots lately." I know. I've been looking for 6 months at least. See, M and I watch What Not To Wear sometimes and I decided months ago that I liked Clinton's velvet blazers that he wears every now and then on the show. I said "I must have one!"

I could find some on eBay but I want to be able to try it on first, look in a mirror and hold it in my hands 'cause if it don't work out, I want to be able to take it back easily. "Take it back easily" and eBay don't know each other. I could find some plain black ones on the internets that I was willing to gamble on but I didn't want plain black.

Then I started see them more and more. In magazines about fall men's fashion and on the Today show during a segment about fall men's fashion and celebrities were wearing them etc etc. On the Today show they showed one like I want and even said the manufacturer's name. I checked out said manufacturer's website. Nothing. I found other labels that were carrying velvet blazers in their fall lineup and checked their websites and area stores that carried said labels. NOTHING.

Finally, I found a black pinstripe one on a website that also has a store an hour away in Tupelo. I called the store, they had plain black and brown but not the pinstripe. So I ordered it off the website and I've been pretty happy with it. But. I still wanted the burgundy/purple-ish color one.

M tried to track one down for my birthday in October. She called the manufacturer that we saw on the Today show and that I saw in a magazine. "Oh we don't carry that color, there wasn't enough interest in it." What?! you showed it on national television and in a magazine. *sigh*

I'd pretty much given up and then M comes home from a trip to Tupelo last week with a surprise for me. Tada, she found one at the mall. It looks nice and I like it.

So last weekend we were in Tupelo and I'm looking around. EVERY STORE HAS VELVET BLAZERS. In about 5 different colors. Every designer seems to have one. WHERE WERE YOU MONTHS AGO?

Such is the frustrating price of living in Mississippi and having forward thinking taste in clothes.

What's the deal with the left thumbnail?

2005-11-30T14:20:00.000-06:00

This picture was posted on the busblog yesterday. If you don't read the busblog, well, you should. It'll make you laugh, cry, get steaming mad, kiss old people, rub Crisco on your elbows, eat your keyboard and maybe care about other issues than yourself. And then you'll come back for more. But give it time, like many fine things in life, it can be an acquired taste.

Anyway, what's the first thing I noticed about the picture? Answer: the stuff under the left thumbnail. That maybe a weird thing to notice but dammit! this is a mystery I've been trying to figure out for years. This is not to call into question Tony's personal hygiene practices because as I look down at my left thumbnail, I see crap under it too! And there's nothing under any of my other nails.

See, I noticed this trend a long time ago and I have yet to figure out why I get crap under my left thumbnail and only my left thumbnail. I can clean it out and later in the day I look down and ack! it's back. What am I unconsciously doing that I get an unknown substance under my left thumbnail and not under any of the nine other nails?

First of all, what is this mystery substance? Is it just plain dirt? Quite possibly. Is it dingleberries from my asscrack? I'm pretty sure that I don't unconsciously scratch or dig in my pooper with my left thumb during the day so that one's out (but maybe with my right thumb). Is it mashed up ants? Ew. What about pocket lint? Good guess, I'd say. Then there's always really old banana. Nah. Thumbnail juice? Now I'm just making stuff up.

Ok, I'm not really sure what it is but how does it get there? What is my left thumb doing unbeknownst to me? Does it wander off when I'm not looking and go play outside? I know I get dirty sometimes when I play outside. Is it digging a tunnel to China? Every kid knows that this can be done if you dig a hole deep enough and I've always thought of my left thumb as a kid at heart. In its tiny little thumb heart. Maybe it runs off to start revolutionary wars in south american countries. I've always suspected that my thumb had Marxist leanings. I mean, it is my left thumb. I'm pretty sure it hung with Che before we met and it became my thumb. Old habits die hard, I guess.

I don't really know what the answers are but I vow to keep a closer eye on my thumb from now on. You know, for the niños sake.

New Shoes

2005-11-28T23:25:00.000-06:00

Well, boots really. First pair of boots that I've bought. I like feet coverings.

Huzzah!

It's with a heavy heart

2005-11-28T11:01:00.000-06:00

that I report you can no longer get beer at Umi's on Sunday.

Please, please try to keep it together.

Here's the thing, in my little college town we just recently were able to buy cold beer at the store. Since the dawn of time we could only buy our beer hot. I think this was to discourage drinking and driving or something retarded like that. All the peoples rejoiced when the decree came down from on high that we could buy cold beer.

But.

You still can't buy beer anywhere on Sunday. Not at the store, not at a restaurant. I guess it's a sin to drink beer on Sunday.

Until.

One Sunday evening I went to the local Japanese place that had been re-opened under new management. When I said I wanted water, the waitress said "That's all? You don't want hot tea or a beer?" "Beer?" I asked. She nodded. About three drink orders at the table changed immediately.

After the waitress left, we gleefully decided that the new management didn't know that they weren't supposed to serve alcohol on Sunday. We thought it was our civic duty to let them know so we....nahhhh.

It became a new tradition. Every other week or so, we'd go to Umi's for sushi and beer on Sunday evening.

Then.

Last night we were told by our server (AJ, who's the best waiter evar and is familiar with our Sunday tradition) that we could no longer order beer. ARRRRRGGGHHHH. Some uppity anti-beer fascist must've told on them or something.

Please join me in mourning our collective loss of secret beer on Sunday.

Family Thanksgiving: Tabacco and Meth Production

2005-11-27T23:11:00.000-06:00

If there was ever any doubt about where I live (redneck capitol), let me relate some of the events of today.

Last night I drove from my mother-in-law's in Tupelo back home to Starkville to meet up with some friends. One in particular was visiting from Toronto where he runs his own casting company for print ads and commercials. I hadn't seen him in a few years so it was cool to catch up and learn about his business.

I got up this morning to drive back to Tupelo (Nettleton, really) to pick up M and her younger sister to go to their dad's family Thanksgiving dealio. First we needed to swing by the younger sister's boyfriend's trailer and pick him up.

He ain't there.

She calls him on his cell phone to find out that his dad woke him up early that morning all in a tizzy. If rednecks have tizzys that is. It seems that his mom, who recently left his dad for another guy and had gotten into the meth making business, got locked up in the jailhouse. So he couldn't come to the Thanksgiving dealio on account that his maw was locked up for making the meth.

Cut to the father-in-law's family's place. The teenage boys are out in the yard throwing the football around. Runnin', jumpin', shoutin'. That seems right, you know, an all-american kind of a thing to do. Except that some of 'em have cigarettes barely hanging from their lips as they run around. I thought you had to have been smoking at least 20 years to master the cigarette-barely-hanging-from-the-lips-while-engaging-in-some-sort-of-physical-activity trick. I guess not.

Then their 2 year old cousin comes up to me. He's got some dark stuff around his mouth and he announces "I got some dip" and pulls his lip and cheek away from his gums to proudly prove that he does in fact have dip. He spits and then walks on. We asked the grandma if he really dips and she's like "Yeah, he dips and chews tobacco." Two. Years. Old. Ho-ly poop.

Well anyway, we were told that we'd be eating at 1:00pm but it was more like 1:45pm and I had to be back in Starkville for a meeting at 4:00pm (to which I was late) so we literally ate and ran.

The teenage boys were getting their huntin' gear together to go shoot stuff and grandma was like "C ain't goin'. His momma said for him to stay right here cause he's grounded. He got all F's." Ouch. He's about 15 and in the sixth grade. He's failed many grades many times. Poor guy. Maybe if they had classes in runnin', jumpin', huntin' and chewin' he'd be more interested and do better.

That made for an interesting day. I won't go into M's mom's alcoholic ex-boyfriend that showed up all but unannounced on Thanksgiving morning.

[Sam Beckett] Oh boy [/Sam Beckett]

Merry Thankfullness Day

2005-11-24T14:18:00.000-06:00

What am I thankful for? Today is a day to think about what things one is thankful for, I think. Though I have been under the impression that it was all about finding an excuse to eat so much that you want to die.

So. Thankful. Right. My wife, my family, my

Oh, the food's ready. Sweet! Good thing we just installed that vomitorium. I can eat all day non-stop. Sonzyeah.

Theatre Update

2005-11-16T22:23:00.000-06:00

So last Friday I had the improv show. I was really nervous at the beginning of the week but by Friday I was just ready to make the funnay happen.

Highlights from the show:

-First game was Questions. In this game you and your partner are basically only allowed to ask questions to build the scene. If you make a statement or a non sequitur or repeat a question, you're out and another person takes your place. (Rosencrantz and Guildernstern Are Dead, anyone?) Anyway, the setting, which was provided by the audience, was Hell. I'm about third in line and when it's my turn, I open with "Is that a snowflake?" The other person says something to the effect of "What's going on?" I comeback with "Did Mississippi State win a game?" Booyah, instant comedy. Actually for my first joke it got pretty good laughs (since our football team ain't so good. When I say good I mean sucks.) Getting a big laugh early on relaxed me somewhat and gave me a bit of confidence.

-Will and Lily making out in Half Life and being in every other game together. They are both high energy people and they were fun to watch. After intermission when we came back into the lab theatre, Will and Lily went around the back way and were behind the "backdoor" in an embrace. So we all walk in the "front door" and the back door opens and there they are "caught" in an embrace. It was funny but I think you probably had to be there.

-Getting fondled in my first show. I was a prop in Living Scenery. In this game two people act out a scene and two other people are the props for the scene. Well I was a toilet and the other prop, er, person Derek was a wrench. And you know, uh, wrenches fiddle with nuts and bolts and stuff and well, uh, my nuts got fiddled with.

-I fell down or died a lot and by the end of the night, by knee was sore from where it was breaking my falls. Note to self, need a new falling technique.

There were other funny moments, but I can't remember them all. It was a lot of fun and I look forward to the next show (probably February).

In other news, Story Theatre opened Tuesday morning. Having an actual audience (and children at that) made it so much more fun. For some reason I can't quite identify, I didn't feel very good about my performance on Tuesday. We did another show today and I felt a lot better about it but I can't really put my finger on a reason.

I've learned sooo much in the last several weeks as we've put this show together. This is my first play and it's been absolutely great. Our director Kevin Kern (also my teacher in the acting class) is very knowledgeable and he knows how to teach it to his students and cast. I've also learned a lot from the cast. They're all younger than me by *ahem* a few years but they all have more stage experience than me and it's been cool to learn from them. They've been totally awesome and have included me in their, uh, social interactions, which I appreciate.

If you are in the area you have two more opportunities to see the show: Thursday night the 17th at 7:30pm (general audience) and Friday morning the 18th at 9:30am (school children show).

I'll be sad after Friday cause they'll be no more shows or rehearsals. I won't get to hang out with swell theatre MSU people much. But I'm looking forward to the next opportunity which is coming up in December at Starkville Community Theatre: auditions for Terror By Gaslight. I had so much fun and met so many great people at SCT over the summer for my first experience on the stage with the musical revue that I hope to get a part in the show cause I know it'll be another great SCT experience.

Ok, that's it for now. Harry Potter and Walk The Line open this weekend, I think. Gonna try to see 'em both.

Don't tell my mom but

2005-11-10T22:26:00.000-06:00

tomorrow night I'm Runnin' With Scissors.

Yep, my first improv show is tomorrow night Friday the 11th at 7:30pm at McComas Hall in the lab theatre. I'm totally excited and a little bit nervous (everytime I think about it, I poop a little in my pants). I mean, I might freeze up and won't be able to speak. Or maybe I won't be funny.

Ok, haha, that's ridiculous. Of course, I'll be funny. Heck, if I can't think of anything to say, THE CLOTHES ARE COMING OFF.

Which reminds me of one thing I've learned since I got involved in theatre lo these 5 months: theatre people will take off their clothes at the drop of a hat and with no provocation whatsoever. Interesting tidbit for ya there.

Anyway, there will be another show at 10:00pm. I'm not in that one so you'll want to come and see both, obviously. Drive, fly, run, tricycle, pogo stick: whatever you gotta do to get here and see the show. You'll need to clear any excuses with me prior to the show

Otherwise, you'll be hearing from me.

TangleBriarPatchWood

2005-11-07T12:58:00.000-06:00

What's with the cutesy, not-so-clever subdivision names? AND WHY MUST THEY ALL END IN 'WOOD?'

Seriously, does anybody know? Tanglewood, Briarwood, Kingwood, Wildwood, etc etc. Maybe it's just this part of the country, you know, the South. I haven't really paid attention in other parts of the country to see if they follow this retarded naming convention.

I guess they don't all end in 'wood' but without fail they all have some sort of 'tard factor. Other popular endings might include such gems as Hills, Acres, Estates or Valley. HA! Pretentious, unimaginative, frou-frou and lame is what I say.

Do these developers really think that the potential buyer might believe the subdivision name reflects a resident wildlife population or flora feature of the land? If they do, they're going about it all wrong. I mean, why name it Briarwood or Greenbriar? It's not going to inspire me to buy property there. Hello, like I really want to purchase some property where everyday activities include smearing ridiculous amounts of antibiotic cream on my sweet briar cuts. Or having to dodge bounding deer everytime I back out of my driveway in the classy Leaping Deer Meadow Parkwood subdivision.

See, what they should do it name the subdivision something more enticing. Oh I don't know...maybe something like Chicken Fried Steak and Macaroni and Cheese...Hills. Heck yeah I'd live somewhere like that. Hills of Mac and Chee. YES.

Food? No? Ok, how about Gin and Tonic, uh, Wood. I think you gotta tack on the Wood or Hills or Meadow because otherwise people would just be too confused. How does T and A Hollow sound? Yeah, you'd live there. You'd frickin buy three lots at the new Bubble Buns neighborhood. But you might skip Quail Willow Crest.

Where would you rather live Mr. Pibb and Cheese-It Estates or Maplewood? Sleeping 'til Noon On Fluffy Pillows With Mom Making Pancakes In The Kitchen Which You Will Eat Right After Having Morning Sex With A Porn Star Of Your Choice Valley or Knollwood Heights? Hmmmm tough decision.

Anyway, I think I'll get in contact with the developers in my area that are putting in new subdivisions. There's one going in right now not two miles from where I live. Maybe if I'm not too late I can stop another Oak Hills and have a Good Book and Soft Toilet Paper Creek instead.

Advice For The Womens: How To Buy A Gift For The Mens

2005-11-02T23:01:00.000-06:00

How many times have I heard a woman complain "It's hard to shop for a man?" Like a lot. Tons. More than I can remember.

Well, ladies, I'm here today to help you out. That's right, I'm going to tell you what kinds of things you can buy for your man or brother or father or maybe that creepy old man neighbor that he'll love. No more wondering if he'll like it or if he, god forbid, needs it.

Yeah, so here's tip number one, if he needs it, it's probably not a good gift. There are exceptions to this which I'll cover later.

Here is the main principal for buying a gift for a man. If he can't play with it, it sucks. There, I said it. When we were boys, our moms certainly bought us socks and ties but, dang it, in addition they always bought us TOYS. You think we've changed any? HELL NO. If after opening my birthday or Christmas presents and there's nothing for me to play with, I'll be pouty.

I'm not saying you can't buy us a nice shirt or a picture frame; that's cool too. I happen to like new clothes but I can't very well play with a new pair of pants can I? Nope but I can play in them if you bought me a toy too.

You can buy him items that he needs BUT you've got to have some sort of toy in there. And I don't mean a G.I. Joe figure (though that would be sweet), it can be anything. A new power tool, a radio controlled car or plane or boat or cat, an electronic gadget, a computer game, LEGOS or a car. Hopefully you know your man well enough that you could think of a toy he'd like.

If you are in a new relationship or you don't know your father that well because his sorry ass left you and your mom when you were three and now 20 years later he's feeling guilty and is trying to make amends and you have to buy him a Christmas present because he invited you over for Christmas dinner with his "other" family and you're going to go since you would actually like to have a relationship with your birth father, here's some things that are no-brainer winners.

Gift certificate to a home improvement center You don't know what tools he has but every man has to upkeep his residence and every now and then he'll have to go buy something at Lowe's or Home Depot. It won't win his heart because he CAN'T PLAY WITH A GIFT CERTIFICATE but still, it's a start. (hehe, remember that Toys R Us commercial with the kid playing with his raincheck?, "Yay raincheck, I love my raincheck")

A remote controlled anything Being able to sit on the couch and control a little car, the lights, the TV, the toilet, anything is sooo cool. If you really don't think RC cars are his thing, try home automation with X10.

ThinkGeek If he's a techie/geek type of guy, you can't go wrong with any of the toys here.

A motorcycle He'll love you forever.

You can get him stuff he needs like underwear or new tires for his car or maybe that fancy pencil sharpener he'd like to ease his carpal tunnel. But if that's all you get him...oh boy. How would you feel if for your anniversary or your birthday all he got you was a new iron because the other one leaks when you put water in it for the steam action or a new set of hot rollers for your hair? Not very romantic is it? I imagine there'd be some sulking and cold shoulderness. Where you want a well thought-out romantic gift, the guy wants a toy that will excite him and keep him occupied for hours. Otherwise what else is left after the gift unwrapping besides helping you wash the dishes and watching football?

Now of course these are my opinions but I feel I am fairly well qualified to comment on what kinds of gifts that guys like. Wait, lemme check....yup, I have visual confirmation that I'm a guy. Qualified.

So now you've got some ideas next time you need to buy a gift for a guy. Try to get away from what you like and take a stroll by the toy department. I've never seen a guy get excited over a box of chocolate. Now, I'll eat it, but I ain't gonna play with it. But when he rips the wrapping paper off that shiny new Nerf super cannon, watch his eyes light up. I told you, we're still boys on the inside that want new toys.

I love all you womens (but M the mostest) so I hope you'll feel more confident buying a gift for your man. If you have any questions about specific gifts, like "I was thinking about giving my guy a big cardboard box full of vintage Star Wars toys that I've found, is that a good gift?" just ask in the comments. First, yes, very good gift. Second, STAY OUT OF MY ATTIC!

I suck

2005-11-01T23:00:00.000-06:00

because I'm lazy. I can't seem to get myself up in the mornings in time to exercise. My eating's not very good but not very bad either so my weight is just hanging out.

My co-worker and I are about to start meeting at the gym for workouts so that should give me more incentive to get up and at 'em.

I haven't really told you much about Story Theatre rehearsals or all the cool college kids I've met this semester. I'm actually thinking of including them in some future videos for the blog. I mean, so far it's just been me being an idiot, why not have other people be idiots with me on the internets? But anyway, ST rehearsals have been great and amazing and sooo much fun. I demand that you come to a performance. I'll post more about it later.

Reading then bed time...

My hair is sore

2005-10-29T13:21:00.000-05:00

Really, it is. I "picked" it out (fluffed it up) last night as part of my costume and now it hurts.

M and I went to a Halloween party last night that one of her professors threw. There were a lot of people there (dozens) and I knew 1.5 of them.

Anyway M was a bean farmer/gold prospector, at least those were the two options she came up with and she was cute. I was, wait for it, Napoleon Dynamite. I pretty much killed. I even had some random girl come up and ask for a picture with Napoleon.

Tonight is another party, Zombie Apocalypse is the theme. I think I'll be Zombie Napoleon Dynamite. I had planned to just wear this crazy polyester suit I'd picked up years ago at the thrift store but the ND costume is just too good to not use again. I just have to figure out how to do some zombie makeup.

Peace out.

Kary is so Very

2005-10-28T12:15:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel sorry for baby giraffes because they have such a long way to fall.

Jack is so Handy

2005-10-28T00:33:00.000-05:00

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Dial-uppers Beware

2005-10-25T00:35:00.000-05:00

I hope you managed to catch a nappy at work today due to the totally awesome How To Nap At Work instructional video. It comes in at a whopping 11MB, not very dial-up friendly at all.

If there's anyone out there that's on dial-up or you just have a slower connection and you'd like to see the video but can't swing the 11MB download, LET ME KNOW. I can post a smaller one if need be.

And I've got another idea for another video, so if you wanna be hip and see teh funnay, you'll need to tell me if I need to make a smaller version for you bandwidth impaired folks.

Meanwhile, this evening while I was preparing my audition tape, I got a text message that one of the dudes from Runnin' With Scissors, Matt Albert, was going to do a stand-up set at the local tavern's open mic night.

So I cruise on over there and run into a couple of old friends and we chat it up. Soon Matt takes the mic and does his set. He's never done stand-up before AND they've never had anyone do stand-up at open mic night before. He got some big laughs and I thought he did great.

I chatted with a couple of people and headed home to try and finish up my tape. As luck would have it, all the takes I did are too long (the maximum time allowed is 60 seconds). The last day to have the audition tape postmarked is, of course, tomorrow. I ain't gonna cry if I don't send one in, but I like to send one in. Maybe I'll get up in the morning and re-do it, edit it, burn it and mail it all by the end of the day. Sha. Yeah, right. We'll see.

I did exercise today and I ate pretty good except for dinner. I did not eat well this last weekend. It is late and I will not be hitting the gym in the morning. So sue me.

Kisses to all

Instructional Video: How To Nap At Work

2005-10-23T23:19:00.000-05:00

Well, here it is: the second installment in the Essential Life Skills Instructional Video Series on IMKH. Check out the first one if you haven't already.

Did you have a late night? Or maybe you couldn't sleep? Are you struggling to keep your eyes open at work today? Getting sleepy at work happens to everybody.

Here's how to covertly nap at work.

Today I'll be taking you through some tips on how to catch a few minutes rest at your desk. You'll learn a couple of different ways to covertly snooze at work and you'll learn some things to avoid. Because unless you are the boss, you don't wanna get caught.

For both methods you'll learn today, it's essential that when you sit facing your desk, you are facing towards a direction that someone can not see your face.

Editor's note: Because of my crappy production team (I still need to fire them), the video is a bit dark due to a window behind me. You may want to turn up the brightness on your monitor

Without further ado, the video:

11MB, Quicktime

niltiac gets credit for the first method. Check out her sweet diagram. (Sorry, I think I put a 'd' on the end of your name in the video.)

You can modify these techniques or come up with your own method of sneaking some shut eye in during the workday.

Good luck fair snoozer!

Vomit + Nudity = usual class discussion

2005-10-22T09:55:00.000-05:00

As I've stated before, M. is a full-time student and a part-time teacher. Of Spanish. She is very busy with school work and grading and what not. Some days we don't see much of each other and she doesn't get a lot of sleep.

So the other night we're laying in bed talking. We haven't seen each other all day. I left before M. got up and she didn't get home until after 11:00pm. Sometime after midnight, we're trying to catch up a little bit on each other's day. M. told me about one of the classes she teaches:

M. : So we talked about dog vomit today in class.
KR : What?
M. : Well, this guy coughed and the sound of it reminded me of when Callie is coughing/gagging and about to throw up.
KR : ... So...you...told this guy "Hey you sound like my dog when it vomits?"
M. : Well not in those words exactly, but basically, yeah.
KR : *rolls eyes in the dark*
M. : And then this girl started talking about how her cat gets car sick and vomits all over everything. The class soon spiraled out of control talking about pet vomit.
KR : Good lord woman! You say the strangest things in your class.
M. : At least I didn't mention your penis again.
KR : *choke cough sputter* WHAT?! YOU'VE MENTIONED MY PENIS IN CLASS BEFORE?!
M. : Weelllll...not so much your penis per se...
KR : Oh for the love of ...
M. : A couple of semesters ago we were talking about foreign films and I mentioned that my old roommate and I liked to rent them. After seeing a few of them, we were surprised at the amount of full frontal male nudity. I commented that you just don't see that everyday. Except, well, I do...since I'm married.
KR : Do you ever actually, you know, teach in this class of yours? Or do you just talk about vomit and wangs all day?
M. : I promise I haven't mentioned your penis since.
KR : Good, I hope not.

Yeah, that's basically how it went. Man I'm glad she's getting out of this teaching gig soon. There's no telling what random strangers know about me.

But it's OK because I found $5.

All day if it don't rain

2005-10-21T16:54:00.000-05:00

Yay for Friday.

183.5 @ 20%

I think my water levels are still trying to stabilize. That probably would explain the rapid weight drop and body fat slight increase. The body scale uses bio electrical impedance analysis to measure body fat and it is sensitive to the amount of water in your system.

I slept in today. So I'll have to make it up this weekend and get some exercise.

9:15am: yogurt with some granola and string cheese
11:45am: chicken tender salad and a banana
3:30pm: granola bar
6:00pm: dinner with friends at Old Venice Pizza Company (I'll do the best that I can)

Happy Homecoming. Maybe we won't lose.

New conversation rules

2005-10-20T23:17:00.000-05:00

In acting class today, we studied improvisation. There are rules, well not really rules, but guidelines when doing improvisation. After thinking about it a bit I've decided to incorporate these rules into not just class and improv practice but everyday conversation.

So here's some of them for your perusal.

Yes, and This means that when someone says something to you, you reply in the affirmative AND with a statement of your own that raises the stakes, so-to-speak. You're trying to build a metaphorical ladder, so someone makes a statement, you say "Yes, and" follow up with something that is a rung higher. This way you are both contributing to the scene and it's going somewhere.

So, if your boss says I think you are doing a fine job on project XYZ, you respond with Yes, and I'm so good that I'm totally kicking the collective office asses of everyone here, so you'd better watch your back and your job. Just an example, apply it to where you see fit.

No questions This follows along with the first guideline. Both people need to contribute to the scene, if one person makes a statement and you follow it with a question, you are putting all the creative burden on the other person.

This one could prove difficult in Real Life, but there are ways around it. Instead of Will you help me move this really heavy couch?, just say Here, grab the other end of this couch and move it. That way it eliminates that "gray" area people have when thinking about if it's a good idea to help you or not.

Don't say No If someone makes a statement, don't disagree with it or you'll kill the scene. Also, you don't want to get into a situation like I am holding a banana. No you're not. Uh, yes I am. No you're not. Yes, yes I am. Are not. etc etc

Hmmm, sometimes I need to say no, you know? If someone says Here, grab the other end of this couch and move it. I'd be all Uh, no. But if some chica caliente (or chico, to be fair to my wife) says Can I have a three-way with you and your wife? of course I should say No, but according to the new rules of conversation, I can't! Yes. Yes you may.

Off the top of your head Say the first thing that comes to you, don't listen to that little censor in your head that says "no, that's stupid, don't say that." Usually the first thing you think of will be the most interesting.

Boy, oh, boy could this one get you in trouble. But hey, you gotta practice the rules to get better at improv and why not practice in everyday conversations? So when your wife/mother/or significant other asks if you want seconds of the meat loaf they made, just let fly the first thing that pops into your head Are you serious? I ate the first helping to be nice. If I have to eat any more of that excrement my stomach will secede from the digestive tract and create its own union at Shoney's down the street.

There were more, but I'll stop here. I don't want to inundate you with new rules for your life all at once. Let me know how it works out for you.

Surprisingly I can walk today

2005-10-20T14:41:00.000-05:00

I don't hurt nearly as bad as I thought I would. So I went to the gym this morning and did 20 minutes of high intensity interval training and 20 minutes on the treadmill (4mph @ 10.5 degrees or % or whatever).

185 @ 19.5%

8:30am: cafeteria breakfast special: scrambled eggs, hashbrowns, sausage and a biscuit (can't do that too often)
12:30am: seaweed salad, snow crab roll, eel+avocado roll (Yay sushi)
5:00pm: vegetable beef soup
10:15pm: handful of cashews

I got in bed at 11:00pm last night, so a little better than the night before. I still couldn't go to sleep for a while and then I slept fitfully until M. came to bed at midnight (she's a full time landscape architecture student and part time teacher, so she spends her nights working late hours, poor thing)

Tonight, improv practice and Story Theatre rehearsal. Then bed, I guess.

Oh, I found $5 dollars today.

I'm going to hurt tomorrow

2005-10-19T15:16:00.000-05:00

Alarm clock. Snooze. Alarm clock. Snooze. Wait, no. Must. get. up. Pee. Weigh.

187.5 @ 19.5%

Clothes. Water. Stretch. iPod. Run. 3.1 miles

It took me 26 minutes. It could have been worse since I haven't exercised in a couple of months. There's lots of room for improvement.

Food.

9:15am: yogurt and string cheese
11:45am: big salad
2:30pm: banana
5:30pm: homemade beef soup
9:00pm: Q-smart bar
10:00pm: handful of cashews and half a granola bar

Lots of water and peeing. I'll see if I can't mention pee and/or peeing more.

I got in bed after 11:00pm last night, so not quite the 10:30pm I was aiming for. It didn't matter cause all I did was lay there until about 1:00am. I hope I can fall asleep a little quicker tonight.

Gotta go pee.

Dear people,

2005-10-18T10:47:00.000-05:00

it must stop. Really, like right now. Just stop.

I'm talking about the expansion of my waistline.

Those of you that have been here before might remember that I lost 30+ pounds over the summer. Well, since the school semester started back in August, I've done nothing but sit on my lazy butt and eat. All those nice clothes that I bought don't fit so well anymore. I spent more on clothes in July and August than I normally would in an entire year (probably).

In years past I'd lose weight and then put it back on, doing the yo-yo dieting thing that most Americans are wont to do. See, my yo-yo's starting to make the trip back up and I want to stop it before it goes too far. I've probably put on 5 to 10 pounds since August. Not good but not as bad as it could be if I was saying this in December.

I need your help.

I'm going to blog my progress. I'll weigh myself every day and post it on here. I'll post what I'm eating and how much exercise I'm doing. If I start to slack off and don't update you on my progress that means I'm slacking off and YOU MUST RIDE MY ASS ABOUT IT. You can help keep me accountable, see? And if anyone wants to join in and get their ass in shape, I'll return the favor and we can help each other.

As an immediate goal I want to do these things within a month

Have all my pants fit comfortably again
Run a 5k race

I have never run a race before and there's a Turkey Trot 5k here at the university on November 19th so the timing is perfect.

I'll run the 5k distance this week and see how long it takes me and then we'll see how well I've progressed on race day.

To reach my goals, I'm going to hit the gym 5 days a week, watch what I eat, drink a lot of water and get in the bed by 10:30pm.

I have a Tanita body scale so I'll be posting weight and body fat. The thing about the body scale; it's not really all that accurate with the body fat measurement but if I weigh at the same time everyday (first thing in the morning right after I pee) it should at least be mostly consistent.

Huzzah!

Word for the day

2005-10-10T11:28:00.000-05:00

is whisterpoop. It's a good word and one that you could use in everyday conversation (if you know a lot of idiots and/or annoying people).

What's it mean? Well, thanks to the fun game of Beyond Balderdash, I've learned what it means.

Do you know? No? Ok, well I'll tell you.

whisterpoop: a swift smack to the side of the head.

How useful is that?

Son, if you don't quit the back talk and go to your room right now, I'll whisterpoop you into next week.

or

If you fart in my direction one more time, you're asking for a whisterpooping.

See, it's easy to slide into your normal mundane threats. Now with whisterpoop added in, people will start giving you the respect you deserve. Dang, a whisterpoop. I better straighten up and/or quit being an idiot. See?

If you think of some other good ways to use it, leave a comment (or be prepared for a whisterpoop).

I'm crazy nappy-headed kid, gimme some candy!

2005-10-06T23:05:00.000-05:00

Well, like most kids, I hated picture day. Mom couldn't take me so dad had to do it. Of course mom never would've dressed me in the ol' Ruff & Ready t-shirt but she admits now that she wouldn't want to change the picture.

Obviously I was not happy but, dang it, if there's no ailment or unhappiness that a sticky Starlight peppermint can't cure.

Yes, I rifled through the junk drawer last weekend when I went home to visit my parents. Don't worry, there's only one or two more (until I go home again and find more pictures).

Git off my land!

2005-10-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

Or I'll so shoot your ass.

People! Listen to what I have to say

2005-09-28T23:30:00.000-05:00

Here's what I want to say to you, the good reader, I mean, if I could only say one thing to you today it would have to be this, definitely this above all else, because I wouldn't want to waste your time with all the others things I could say, so it boils down to this, and it really is important so listen (read?) closely and slowly and correctly, multiple times if you have to and, you know, that's the great thing about the written word; if you didn't really understand something that was written, you can go back and read it as many times as you want to until you totally get it because it's static, it doesn't change, it's there for you to look at whenever you want and at your leisure and I hope you have lots of leisure since leisure is an important aspect of one's life because you really couldn't go through life without some amount of leisure time to spend by yourself or maybe with friends and family that live with you or near you or maybe a neighbor that you don't know too well and he lives next to you or across the street or maybe at some angle but in relative nearness to you that you could go over and ask them if they wanted to play horseshoes and talk about politics or the weather or sports or maybe that bunion on your foot that your mother or spouse or roommate has been trying to get you to go to the doctor to have it looked at but you don't want to because there was that one time in 5th grade when you might have broken your thumb but the "doctor" looked at the X-ray and said "No, it's not broken, it's just sprained or something so you should try and move it around and get some flexibility back into it" and then the "doctor" called back the next day and you had been flexing it in horrible horrible pain but that's what the "doctor" said to do and you were doing it, and so the "doctor" said that "oops the film was still wet and after looking at the X-ray again after it was dry that your thumb was, in fact, broken and you better not move it much and had better come back in for a splint" but the damage was already done and your thumb has never been the same since and you've never really liked going to "doctors" after that because, did they really know what they were talking about anyway? and I really doubt they do since your thumb is now b0rken and you'll never have that career in professional thumb wrestling that you were training for by doing thumb push-ups and thumb stretches and going to amateur thumb wrestling night at the Pig Pen Sports Bar on Tuesday nights right after you finished with your weekly thumb-only manicure that all the guys made fun of you for but you knew that a good-looking thumb is half the battle in thumb wrestling because it says "Hey my thumb looks really good because I take care of it and I take thumb wrestling seriously" so the competition is already intimidated by your beautifully manicured thumb that only cost $4 at the asian fingernail place where you know they're talking about you in Vietnamese behind your back and they're probably making fun of your request for a thumbs-only manicure since you're not willing to go all out and get the other eight fingers done because that would just be over-the-line.

So anyway, thanks for listening, er, reading and do remember what I said.

The Phone Conversation I Had Last Night

2005-09-26T13:18:00.000-05:00

went something like this:

[J] Dude, are you guys OK?
[Me] Huh?
[J] Are you alright?
[Me] *Looks around, pats self* Yeah, I think so. Why?
[J] A tornado was reported to have come through south of town where you guys live.
[Me] Oh. We are watching TV and haven't heard anything but rain. But yeah, we're OK.
[J] There are reports of damage to campus so I'm headed in to check things out.

And so went about three other calls I received.

We weren't even watching live TV. We were watching some TiVo'ed programs, we rarely watch live TV anymore. There would've been no "doo-doo doo-doo" interrupting our program had there been a tornado baring down upon the tornado magnet that I live in. We would have had no advanced warning. Zero. Nada. I would have been like "Do you hear a train coming this way?" right before the whole place lifted up and went through the rinse cycle.

Scary stuff.

The picture above is a trailer park IN MY AREA. I am so selling my trailer and moving to a brick-covered house. Underground. Anybody want a good deal on a 2002 Cavalier mobile home? One owner, excellent condition. Pretty please?

I would say that whereas Katrina did more wide-spread damage here, this Rita-inspired tornadic activity was spotty but far more severe. The power of the twister is impressive to say the least.

M. and I drove around the affected trailer park during lunch today. The carnage is enough to seriously make us think about trying to sell our place. We'd have to sell it anyway in about 2 years when M. finishes school and we move on. Now seems like a very good time to find a more stable place of residence.

My heart goes out to the poor college kids (that's mostly who lives in that particular trailer park) that had their homes destroyed. It won't be easy to focus on school when all your stuff is gone and you have no place to live.

Starkville Daily News
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Local Blogger
Former MSU student's pictures

I was mauled by the Lion

2005-09-23T11:28:00.000-05:00

but I can entertain the kiddies. What I mean to say is, I mentioned my first ever "real play" audition and the results in the comments.

The same day I got the disappointing news about Lion, I went for another audition, this time a university production of Paul Sills' Story Theatre. The audition was a lot of fun and laid back. I still didn't give it all I had, I felt that I was capable of more but just didn't give it. Ah well, I'll get better at showcasing my stuff on the spot when it matters.

Well, I just went and checked the cast list for Story Theatre and I MADE IT! This calls for a w00t, I do believe.

This is a children's show and I think it will be a lot of fun. Lion In Winter is a hefty show and requires a strong cast as there are no small roles. You couldn't really cast someone and say "Well if they suck, at least it's only a small role." The directory really couldn't take chances on someone that they weren't sure about. So no, I'm not surprised that I didn't get cast in it.

But Story Theatre will fit me better anyway, I think. You know, big, over-the-top one-dimensional characters. It will be a good first show for me to be a part of and I'm very excited.

Call Me Kirby

2005-09-23T10:04:00.000-05:00

I've decided that's who I'll be when I don't need to be me. Other possibilities include Cecil, Devin or Charlie. But I think I'll stick with Kirby.

See the thing is, I tend to clam up or freeze up or, well you get the picture, when I'm nervous and/or out of my comfort zone.

I went to a Runnin With Scissors practice last night. RWS is the improv/sketch comedy group that I'm wanting to join up with. So what did I do? Did I jump right in and make an ass of myself? NO! I sat on my arse too scared to move.

I've mentioned this sort of thing before (somewhere in there anyway); how it takes me a while to open up and be myself around new people. My brain doesn't work very good in those situations. Well I can't have brain freezage when I'm trying to be funny off the top of my head, can I? I don't wanna get cut before I even get started, do I?

So I've decided next time I'll take Kirby with me and he'll do just fine.

And I really wasn't mentally prepared to participate. I thought it was more of a meet 'n' greet and sit and watch practice. But there were other new people jumping in and the regulars asked if any new people wanted to try it out.

I was afraid of this very thing going into my acting class. You know, where the instructor would ask for a volunteer or volunteers for something and I would sit there going "oh dear, I should volunteer and I will as soon as we sit here for 3 minutes and no one else volunteers." Well screw that. Before the first class meeting I told myself "Self, you're taking this class to learn and you can't be scared so when he asks for volunteers, you are going to jump up right then and DO IT." And so I have. I've been very proud of myself. So I just gotta have the same attitude about improv comedy. JUST DO IT and if I suck, I'LL GET BETTER. I mean, er, Kirby will.

Meanwhile, this weekend is alumni marching band. It's when all the old people get to relive their college band days for a bit. Of course the alumni band sounds horrible because only half (at best) still play their horns with any kind of regularity. I think I actually haven't played mine since last year's alumni band. That makes me sad but only a little. I mean, I have played since the 6th grade. That's like, 73 years.

My buddy Richard and I always go and sneak in with the regular band for the 4th quarter of the game. I think this year will be the first year that we won't know anybody in the band. The incoming freshmen of our last year in band are all gone now. At least the ones we knew are. Which is sad because it means we are now officially old people, too. But that's OK, we always have fun freaking out the young 'uns by playing everything up an octave. w00t!

On Sunday, my lips will be very sore.

Well, I wish each and every 4 of you a safe and happy weekend.

JNO. A+++++!!! Would do business with again!!!!!

2005-09-22T13:35:00.000-05:00

I went and had sushi for the first time ever last night. M. and I and two people from the theater, M.J. and C. - T. would meet up with us later and the other C. couldn't make it.

Holy crap, apparently sushi has to be grown from seeds, watered and cultivated before being served to me on a little wooden block. It took forever. But that's a'ight, the company was good. Though we had T. waiting on us at the next stop of the Japanese Night Out so we tried to hurry things along.

I had California rolls and shrimp crunch rolls. I also traded a couple of mine for a couple of M.J.'s eel and snow crap rolls. All in all, quite tasty. Would do business with again!!!

To complete our Japanese Night Out, we went to the karaoke bar afterwards. Well not really a karaoke bar as much as a night club with a karaoke night. It was at the Holiday Inn. I had pictured in my mind a nice, not really upscale, but you know, little-leather-chairs-and-small-round-tables-with-candles lounge sort of feel.

Yeah, not so much.

It was Fat (or Big, I can't remember) Daddy's Night Club. Complete with air brush graphic detail on the walls and all the country, redneck skankywags you could hope for. When we got there, M.J. went up to talk to the guy running the karaoke show since she used to work with him, going to shows and singing.

Meanwhile, the sight on stage made me vomit a little in my mouth.

There was this lady, who probably was about 50 years old but looked every minute of 65. She was mostly drunk or stoned or maybe just had a penchant for eating retard sandwiches, it wasn't really clear to me. She was "singing," and I use the word loosely, an Elvis tune about three bars behind the music. Her bleached hair was in a pony tail on top of her head. She was wearing a dark tank top thing that was more than one size too small. On her bottom half was tight red pants. Put them together on her humpty-dumpty like frame and the shirt came up too high and the pants didn't come up high enough. All the while she "sang", she was swaying or swiveling or maybe she just had to poop real bad.

Haha, I haven't said 'poop' on here in a while.

Anyway, it was like watching a train wreck, you didn't want to watch but you COULD NOT LOOK AWAY. Later I did some grinding with her on the dance floor.

M.J. sang a couple of songs and did really well. The crowd really enjoyed her. Poor M. was in the lobby of the hotel doing homework for class. She is quite the dedicated student isn't she?

It was a fun night out, poopy-pants (TWICE!) humpty-dumpty not withstanding, and I give it an A++++++!!!!! Maybe next time we'll plan better in advance and more peeps can come.

Avast Ye Matey or something

2005-09-19T11:24:00.000-05:00

As you well know, today is Talk Like A Pirate Day. That's all well and good but what about Talk Like A Ninja Day? Oh wait, Ninja don't talk do they? I think that would ruin the whole silent assassin bit.

Alright, what do ninja do then that we can dedicate a whole day to it? Stalk Like A Ninja Day. I don't know. Carry Deadly Concealed Weapons To Work Like A Ninja Day. That would go over really well or get you very fired depending on your work environment. Scratch that. Ok, let's regroup and think.

Ah ha! Wear Camel-Toed Shoes Like A Ninja Day. Crap, I thought I had something there for a second.

I guess I don't have a good idea. We'll worry about this later but for now everybody enjoy annoying the piss out of your friends and co-workers with statements like Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly? or Arrr, I'm goin ta send this copier to Davey Jones' locker if I be seein' PC Load Letter one more time!

Time to ship off to lunch, mates.

Big Cat In The Cold

2005-09-16T09:24:00.000-05:00

So I have my first ever "real" play audition this Sunday and Monday. It's a really great show, I've read it and watched a movie of it. With none other Captain Jean-Luc, er, wait, I mean Patrick Stewart playing one of the leads. Of course I'm talking about The Lion In Winter.

It is a male-heavy ensemble. There's Henry, ye olde king and Father to Richard, Geoffrey and John. Also there's Philip the King o' France. I couldn't really play Henry since I'm not old enough (or experienced enough) but I'd be super-duper pleased if I get any one of the sons or Philip.

Props to Dave "Taterhead" P. for the sweet pic.

Also, I also saw my first show at SCT last night, "Seeing Stars In Dixie." Maddy and Marianne, two wonderful ladies I met during the summer musical, were in it and they were great. It was a very enjoyable show and Maddy was a scene stealer.

Meanwhile, in acting class we're doing monologues. We have to pick a monologue from a play and do it for the class. I've picked something from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. Great, funny play. The movie's pretty good too. Thanks (again) to J. for introducing me to the movie back in high school. I bought the script years ago and saw MSU's production of it when they did it a little while back.

Just for practice, I'm going to do my monologue now from memory.

Do you ever think of yourself as actually dead...lying in a box with a lid on it? Nor do I really...it's silly to be depressed by it. I mean, one thinks of it like being alive in box, one keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is dead...which should make all the difference...shouldn't it? I mean, you'd never know you were in a box. It would be just like being asleep in a box...not that I'd like to sleep in a box, mind you, not without any air...you'd wake up dead for a start, then where would you be...apart from inside a box. That's the part I don't like frankly. That's why I don't think of it.

Because you'd be helpless wouldn't you? Stuffed in a box like that, I mean, you'd be in there forever. Even taking into account the fact that you're dead, it isn't a pleasant thought. Especially if you're dead, really...ask yourself, if I asked you straight off, I'm going to stuff you in this box now, would you prefer to be alive or dead? Naturally you'd prefer to be alive. Life in a box is better than no life at all. I expect. You'd have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking, Well at least I'm not dead. In a minute someone's going to come bang on the lid and tell me to come out. Hey you whatsyername! Come out of there!

There might be a few mistakes in there but that's what's in my head so I'm going with it.

E'rybody have a good weekend. Eat some pocky for me.

Traveling With Mr. Bob

2005-09-13T16:42:00.000-05:00

I've had many influential figures in my life growing up. Now's the time when I tell you about Mr. Bob. Sometimes referred to as Bargain Bob. But he'll be mostly Mr. Bob for this story.

I've known Mr. Bob almost my entire life. My family moved to Hattiesburg when I was 4 or 5 years old. Mr. Bob was the music minister at our church. He'd already been there for like 25 years when we got there. My dad was the new youth minister at the time.

Mr. Bob is old school. He's down with the big pipe organ and choir robes and the "high church music." But hey, our church was mostly the older generation so it was all good. He smiles easily and is always glad to see you.

Here's one of the best things I learned from Mr. Bob: How To Travel. The man loved to travel. When we went on youth choir trips, we had fun the whole way there and back. See, when you went on trips with the youth minister (not my dad at this point) or someone else, the mission was TO GET THERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN. "Making good time" referred to how fast you got there. Actually, typical man traveling style I guess. During the 15 hour trip there might be one stop for 2 and half minutes for everyone to use the facilities and grab a bite to eat. But we had to get back on the road so we could get there. And fast.

Not so with Mr. Bob. Man, if one person thought they might have to pee, he would pull over at the nearest rest stop. If we were traveling on the weekend and a flea market was open, you'd better believe we were stopping. That man knew every flea market east of the Great Mississippi.

But we still made good time. Mainly because Mr. Bob would do at least 80mph in the big ol' church van with the U-Haul trailer hitched to it.

One particular thing he liked to do was mission trips. This meant we went somewhere to minister to folks in song. Usually at flea markets.

I'm serious.

One time we went to New York. But mostly we went to the Smokey Mountains to spread the Good News at campgrounds and flea markets. So when we were done meeting the bargain shoppers and RVers spiritual needs, we could go find some bargains for ourselves.

I mentioned that Mr. Bob is known as Bargain Bob sometimes. See, he takes his yearly vacations to drive up the east coast and hit flea markets. Then he sells the stuff in his booth at a local antique mall. So you know he has some serious haggling skills.

After one particular set where we sang and even dressed up like clowns for the kids, me and my buddy C. set off in search for some vintage Star Wars toys and memorabilia. During this time in high school we were serious about collecting the original Star Wars toys. This is before the new SW movies came out. I have been decidedly un-Star Wars since they came out.

We eventually found a lady that had a Chewbacca figure, an original LP of the Star Wars Music and a land speeder vehicle. Now we had zero experience haggling with the flea market proprietors so we set off to find Mr. Bob to do the dirty work for us. He was more than willing to put on his Bargain Bob hat.

The lady wanted something like $25 for the 3 items. Definitely reasonable, but hey, this is a flea market, aren't you supposed to haggle just a little? So Bargain Bob starts in on her and it goes something like this:

Bargain Bob: Alright, how much do you want for these old toys?
Flea Market Lady: Well, they're $25.
BB: mmhmm mmhmm, sure sure. Now what kinda deal can you make me since I want all three?
FML: Well, they add up to $25.
BB: Yeah, but don't you think since I'm buying multiple items, we can make a deal?
FML: [getting slightly agitated] They're $25.
BB: Ok, I'm thinking about $18, what do you say?
FML: [definitely agitated] I said $25!
BB: [maintaining cool] Right right, $18 seems more than reasonable to me.
FML: [almost hysterical] There will be no deal!
BB: Alright alright. How about $20? Surely $20 is a fair price for these old dusty things?
FML: [absolutely hysterical] No! No! No deals!

And then she snatches the items in question and clutches them to her person as if we might grab them and run. At this point I'm really worried the lady is going to call security.

Heh, flea market security. I'm not even sure there is such a thing but can you imagine? Billy Ray leaning up against a post eating pork rinds and wiping his greasy fingers on his black t-shirt that he bought at vendor booth #18 that says 'Security' on the front. On the back is an advert for Browning gun cabinets. Woohoo, anyway.

So I say to Bargain Bob "$25 is OK, we can do that." I just wanted the Chewbacca and record, man. The land speeder was for C. Bargain Bob shoots me this look like "What are you doing boy?! Let me work. I've almost broken her!"

Well, we paid the $25 and got out of there. I didn't want Billy Ray after me.

After the trip, I was excited to hear an original Star Wars soundtrack LP on our record player. I took the record out of the sleeve, put it on the turntable and ever-so-gently dropped the needle. The sounds that met my ears caused my face to melt off. And it never really recovered. Seriously, if you look really close you can see tale-tell (tell-tale?) signs of Madam Pomfrey's use of Boogin's Face Wax and the Waxious Facetious Reparo spell.

After my face recovered somewhat, I took a closer look at the record sleeve. Yes, it was the Star Wars music and from 1977. Good. But, oh, wait. It was performed by the Electric Moog Orchestra. See this dude named Moog invented the first electronic synthesizer. So imagine the Star Wars theme in a 70's disco style played by early keyboard synthesizers. Uh huh. Yeah, you can't imagine that.

So Mr. Bob is great. I love traveling and I don't mind stopping and enjoying the trip, not just the destination. I really have him to thank for it.

There was that time on the Six Flags trip (that we took every summer) when we saw him without his toupee, but I'll save that for another day.

Oh, and no, you can't have my attic full of sweet, sweet, vintage Star Wars toys and memorabilia.

Thanks to J. for reminding me that Mr. Bob is a cool cat.

Stop Racial Stereotypes

2005-09-11T19:13:00.000-05:00

I know this sort of thing isn't usual IMKH fodder, but something must be said.

I'm so tired of racial stereotyping and a certain one in particular. I mean can't we just keep an open mind and not judge people based on out-dated or just-plain-completely-wrong-and-retarded hearsay and rumors? It's got to stop.

I'm not saying I've never seen a white person dancing badly and gone "Oh dear, he must have ants in his pants. Oh no. Wait. Poor thing is just trying to dance" in my head. Or shook my head at the long line of cars with fancy-pants rims and rattling trunks in the drive through at KFC. Or maybe saw a group of asians and started humming "Deck The Halls" when I walked by. Yes, I have been guilty. But still, some racial stereotypes have no basis in history or fact. There's no evidence, just rumor passing gone amuck.

I'm sorry, I've got to get this off my chest

WHITE PEOPLE, WHEN WET, DO NOT SMELL LIKE GOATS

Holy crap, how many times have I heard this? Especially from black people. Where did this come from? It's. just. not. true. For most white people anyway.

Fortunately, I haven't had this aimed at me, well, because obviously, I'm black. I mean have you seen my natural hair? Please refer to the story at the end of this post.

I bring this to your attention for my white brothers and sisters out there. And their whining about this stereotype is getting on my nerves. Look, I've showered with lots of white people (it's the best way to get to know somebody) and they totally don't smell like goats.

Everyone, please do your part in displacing this stereotype in America. Thank you.

What's new with you?

2005-09-08T22:27:00.000-05:00

Nothin, I don't know.

See, I just haven't been inspired lately to write anything new. Why frickin' not? I wonder. Man, early on this summer, I had multiple ideas coming at me everyday and I could, like, make a selection as to which ones were best to actually write about. Oh those were good times.

Nowadays I find myself coming here and refreshing to see if the blog has been updated. I'm always disappointed.

And I've written some funny stuff on here man. I know because I could go back and read it now and I would still laugh. I've written this stuff down because I find it funny and I sincerely hope others do to. And people have laughed. They told me so. And it makes me happy.

Maybe I've gotten duller and dumber over the summer. 'Cause before I'd notice stuff and it would get me thinking and I'd come up with a funny angle to it and I'd write about it. Now I don't seem to be noticing anything. And if I do, I don't come up with anything funny to say about it.

Just so you know, I ain't whining. I'm just stating the facts dude. This is where I am.

Man I hope something funny comes along soon or I'll have to change the bio in my profile. I probably just need to write more in general and stuff will come to me.

Isn't it weird how things you should be doing or you want to do, you just don't do? And sometimes many things tie in together. Like I totally kicked ass in the gym this summer, lost 30+ pounds. For the last few weeks I've been lazy and eating bad. What's up with that? And my writing on here has kinda fallen off with my focus on being healthy. See? How are they even related? I don't know. There's some deeper issue I guess. There's some other things I know I should be doing but I don't do them. It's easier to just coast than make things better. wtf, I say. w.t.f.

Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest...

Speaking of my chest, I have about 4 chest hairs. Well I just pulled one out. What the heck man?! I've only got four, well, now three. I need all the chest hairs I can get! And I'm sitting here pulling them out?

Well at least my nipple hair has come in nicely.

Frick on a stick

2005-09-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

Well we survived the totally bitchy Katrina. M. didn't feel well so she got a room on campus and slept a lot. I evacuated to some SCT people's house and we had an impromptu party.

We stayed there for a couple of hours sitting in the carport watching the trees sway. Eventually, since we had lost power, we decided to trek across town to some other SCT people's house that had power.

A couple hours and one Camry-stuck-in-the-ditch later, we arrived at the new location and proceeded to put on dry clothes. We watched TV, ate and played a game called triple-E (I think). And fended off the yappy dog from our food and drink. It was a cute dog though.

Work and school was cancelled the next day and I went home to check on our single-wide paradise. It was still there. Oh well, there'll probably be more hurricanes. Maybe next time.

My parents, in Hattiesburg, were pretty shaken up but, amazingly, didn't have any major damage. Their neighbors lost both of their cars to a tree. Many people had a tree through their house. It took at least an hour to clear the road so that they could get out of the subdivision. No power. No water. Iffy phones. Mom says things are pretty bad.

But that's nothing compared to the coast and New Orleans.

Lord.

I really feel for those people. Let's all say a prayer, send good thoughts and positive monkey mojo to these people. They can use all the help they can get.

New Orleans MetroBlogging

Survivor in New Orleans

Reason #438907 not to live in a trailer

2005-08-28T23:12:00.000-05:00

Hurricanes. And other high-freakin-wind phenomena.

What did we do to piss off the sea gods? I mean they really hate us over here. Florida and the Gulf coast must've done something to really piss them off.

Katrina. What a bitch. Now you're hearing Katrina being compared with Camille. I'm just glad I know what activated charcoal is. Uh huh.

When Dennis came through with much ado about nothing (here anyway), we scurried out of our trailer and got a room on campus. It was inconvenient but we thought it would be better to be safe than sorry. So now comes Katrina and I'm all Let's just stay at home, ain't nothing gonna happen. Ya know, typical man thinking. M. is all No way, we're boarding the animals and getting a room. Looks like we're getting a room for tomorrow night.

I do feel for New Orleans though. That city may never fully recover if it hits as bad as the talking heads think it will. My main worry about that is lack of new Girls Gone Wild Mardi Gras videos. If the French Quarter is wiped out, where will all the drunken cavorting and debauchery of girls who are willing to flash their boobs for cheap beads going to gather for the video camera? That will be truly sad.

If you are in the path of this thing, please be careful.

I wouldn't want to lose any of my five or six readers.

Bombs Away!!11!

2005-08-23T19:26:00.000-05:00

Our homework from Thursday's class was to bring a joke to class today. We were to have the joke up to the funny part written on one side of the paper or index card and the punch line on the opposite side. I can handle homework like this, says I.

So I found a couple of jokes online and printed them out. I left plenty of white space before the punch line and folded the paper over.

When we got to class, we passed all the jokes to one end (we were sitting on the front row in the theater) and the person on the end passed them back out making sure that one didn't get one's own joke but someone else's joke.

Then the instructor called out names at random and you had to go up on stage and read the joke. Pretty simple, right? You just had to read the joke. Whatever was on the paper.

Well anyway, he called my name out and I went up on stage to read the stellar joke that had been handed to me.

I walked purposefully up the stairs, walked to the center of the stage and smartly turned towards the audience. I cleared my throat and read.

How did disco die?

I raised my eyebrow questioningly at the class, flipped the paper over then turned it right side up.

Wait for it...

In the disco Inferno

Woohoo.

I casually walked off stage and mentioned that they had just witnessed Comedy Gold.

Back in my seat, I eagerly awaited when some poor unsuspecting fool would get on stage and read my joke. Oh little did they know how it would kill. I imagined heads tossed back as laughter floated up to the rafters and tears flowed down their happy shining faces, each person trying to catch their breath but they couldn't because the joke was just too funny.

Here's the joke:

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."

See? Funnay. To the max.

Anyway, after several more people went, a guy went up on stage with my joke and when he got to the punch line after speeding through the first part with, albeit some enthusiasm, but too fast to be clearly understood in my opinion, he said this:

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving horses for the last 25 years

Cricket. Cricket.

Of course, it made no sense and was totally not funnay. I put my hand up to the side of my mouth and prompted Hearses. What? Oh, hearses. People are like What? What was the punch line? Oh, hearses, ha, that is funny.

Not quite the pandemonium of cackles and guffaws I had hoped for.

The guy says I thought it was a typo and was supposed to be horses so I said that instead. What?! Just Read The Joke. That makes absolutely no sense. I don't think anyway, maybe there's a joke in there somewhere but not the one I intended to have people Rolling On The Floor Laughing Their Asses Off. He's like, Oh hearses, I get it. Huh huh.

Can I get a Duh? What about in the balcony, can I get a Duh? Amen, thank you.

Well the exercise was not about how funny or not the jokes were, it was about presentation. Some tried to make the joke funny even if it was not and others knew the joke was bad so they didn't try.

The point is, when you are on stage, all eyes are on you, so you've got to make the audience believe in what you are saying or doing. Otherwise you break the suspension of disbelief.

And then you get beaten backstage with mackerel.

Yeah.

Tales From The Trailer Park

2005-08-22T22:10:00.000-05:00

Well, it's that time of year again. A time when little Timmy wanders around the trailer park with nothing on but his dirty little underwear. And you're a bit surprised when you step out to go to work in the morning and see little Timmy squatting in your flower bed, digging down in the dirt with his little precious arm buried up to his sweet little elbow in your eight-dollar-a-bag soil looking for "fishinbait fore his paw." Ain't. that. cute.

Yes, it's a time when the mullets venture out of doors baring their chest (and back) fur. They're always doing something under that 1973 single wide Cavalier mobile home of theirs. Maybe a bit of a plumbing issue to correct? One can only hope.

Of course, you nod politely on your way to the car if they notice you and you hope to god that they don't. It's possible that they'd want your opinion as to what in the world is that funny looking fuzzy growth all up under their home. Well, one, you don't like to look under your own home because it reminds you that yes, you made a poor decision years ago and you live in a home that was pulled, fully constructed, down the county road from a sales lot next to the Wal*Marts and then leveled and set up on bricks. And two, you sure as heck ain't going to look under someone else's home that may or may not have 3 and a quarter generations of the same family (which you suspect the family tree does not fork. much.) living in it.

Ah summer! The season of the very small plastic kiddie pools in yards all across the trailer parks of America. And maybe Earl will finally work on that junker car he towed into the park 8 years ago with hopes of restoring it and having him a sweet ride to take down to the river on weekends.

Southpaw, Natural Lite and other fine beers, once enjoyed on a sweltering summer night, their empty carcasses have now been discarded without care in yards and strewn into the road. Women, a banana clip, not seen in stores since 1986, in their hair and with a youngun on their hip, talk to friends on the phone about their eczema and the day's episode of Ricky Lake. Honey, you better believe I'd know if my man was dressing up like a shellfish and meeting other crustacean-dresser-uppers for some weird hanky-panky. He couldn't hide that from me. I keep my eye on him, I know everything he does, sister.

Oh glorious Mississippi humidity. Seeing the pit stains on your neighbor's "You might be a Nascar-lovin-redneck if..." shirt (if he's even wearing a shirt) is enough to make you stay inside all weekend with the AC set to 33. Just looking out the window coats your body in a lovely sheen of sweat.

Dogs, cats and other unidentified furry animals scurry under and around your car, being sure to leave their piss mark on your tires and their poop in your yard, preferably in the flower bed or the walk way to the porch where you just might step in it.

But it's not without some good points. There's always some entertaining drama going on and you can listen in on it because the trailers are so close together and you can hear everything going on next door just by sitting on your couch with the TV turned down low.

Well, like the time Jerry Dan found a full grown raccoon in the garbage dumpster and knocked it out with a shovel. He thought it would make a good pet so he brought it home to show Linda Sue. She was not thrilled with the idea of a pet raccoon and she told Jerry Dan so. He argued that it was a cute little critter and that he heard you could train them to fetch you a beer out of the refrigerator and stuff like that. They went round and round about it and we heard them stamping to and fro all the while yelling at each other.

But that noise didn't hold a candle to the absolute ruckus that raccoon created when he came to. If you thought Linda Sue wasn't happy about having a raccoon in the house, well ol' Mr. 'Coon was extremely upset at having his dinner interrupted and then waking up in a slightly-larger-than-average shoe box with a wicked-huge headache. The raccoon tore the ever-living hell out of Jerry Dan, Linda Sue and their impressive collection of Nascar nesting dolls before he escaped out the door and to freedom.

We could've heard that racket with the TV and radio all the way up to eleven.

Sigh.

That's how it is 'round here in Tales From The Trailer Park.

17 minutes with Mr. KaryHead

2005-08-19T00:56:00.000-05:00

And action.

The acting class looks to be totally cool. I'm looking forward to it this semester. We had a good class today, the instructor was fast-paced, entertaining and we even learned some stuff on the first day. I don't think falling asleep in class will be an issue.

I volunteered to participate in an exercise and I think I sucked. I kept coming up with ways that I could've done it better all day. Oh well, there will be future opportunities.

Story.

Billy didn't like Sally. In fact, he loathed her. So much that he felt slightly nauseous at the sight of her. It was fortunate though because Sally had very similar feelings about Billy. At least they tried to avoid each other. But it wasn't so easy.

They had lived next door to one another for their entire lives. Their parents were always dropping one of them off at the other's house for cheap babysitting. Those were terrible times. Sometimes one of the parents would plan activities for them to do together. Absolutely horrid and emotional scarring was a sure thing.

So one day Billy decided he'd had all he could take of Sally.

Wait, I didn't tell you about why Billy and Sally hated each other. Well, this is a family show and I can't go into it.

So one day Billy decided he'd had all he could take of Sally. Unbeknownst to Billy, Sally had been having thoughts along the same lines. Sally's parents needed to run errands for a few hours and dropped her off so Billy's parents could keep an eye on her. Also they assumed Billy and Sally enjoyed spending time together.

When Sally's parents dropped her off, Billy had his plan all laid out. After his parents would turn on a video for the kids as they usually did, Billy would spring into action. Unfortunately for Billy, Sally had plans of her own.

Whoops, times up. I had no idea where that was going anyways. I was just writing as it came out.

Actually, it's a pass along story. Yeah, that's the ticket. I was planning this all along. So the first person in the comments write the next part of the story. As little or as much as you want and then the second person add on to the first person's comment and so on and so forth. Or just write your own ending to the story of Billy and Sally and ignore what other people have posted. I don't really care if you play pass along or not.

Maybe no one will post anything and that's fine but maybe, just maybe whoever writes the best segment or story (the one that makes me laugh the most. Or maybe some other criteria that I come up with) will win a prize. Possibly a sweet prize. Something that has been featured here on IMKH before.

Yo sound the bells school is in sucker

2005-08-17T21:52:00.000-05:00

can't touch this. Haha. Best. song. evar.

Eh, not really. But that line is relevant. For I, Kary D. Rogers, am going back to school tomorrow.

For what purpose? you ask. What upper-level degree are you pursuing? you wonder. Pshaw. I ain't doin' none o' that.

After 4 years of undergrad (yes, I finished in exactly 4 years) I decided then and there I wished to take it no further. Nossiree, no master's degree for me.

The class that I have signed up for is CO 2503 - Acting. And since I am an employee of the university, it's free. Gratis. Pretty sweet, huh?

I figured since I'm interested in acting slash performing, I might as well take the class. I've talked to plenty of people who know and they all agree it'd be a good thing to do since it's free. I've gotten a pretty good feel for the professor after talking to these unnamed knowledgeable people. I have corresponded with said professor via email to let her know that I am interested in taking the class. And that due to the nature of my job, sometimes I would not be able to make it but that doesn't mean that I'm slacking or not putting forth any effort.

Then, while I was waiting on my enrollment paperwork to go through the admissions office, which took for-freakin'-ever, the class filled up.

Drat. Yes, that was it. That was the word that went through my noggin at that moment. Drat.

But the ol' prof said she could squeeze me in. I guess I'm special or something.

I checked a few weeks later and someone must've dropped the class 'cause there was one seat available. Yippee. Also the instructor had changed. The name next to the class was different. So I IMDB'ed him. I feel pretty sure that's him. I also found this and this. Don't know if those are him or not. Time will tell my fair readers.

So I finally got my paperwork all in order and was ready to register for the class. Of course, the registration web page was down.

What?! Nobody informed me and I work with the people responsible for the registration system. What we have here is a failure to communicate or something.

On Monday, I see that the registration page is back up. I go to register and the. class. is. full.

Drat. No, really. DRAT.

Anyway, I checked again last night and there were two spots available. Apparently some suckers decided to drop the class. They probably got my threatening voice mail.

So I'm all signed up and ready for class which begins tomorrow.

I'll prolly be so excited tonight that I won't be able to sleep. I'll get up two hours before the alarm goes off, iron my shirt and pants (actually I'll wake up M. to do it for me cause me and the iron do not get along), I'll pack my lunch and then sit on the couch until it's time to go.

Of course then I'll revert back to my college ways and fall asleep in class.

The Rhubarb Tour

2005-08-17T01:04:00.000-05:00

Garrison Keillor is tha man. Fo' real yo. He gets +5 Awesome Points right off the bat because he came out in a suit, red tie and....red freakin' sneakers. They looked like Sauconys but it was hard to tell from the second to last row of the coliseum. And, and he had red socks on. The man is 63 years old. He rocks.

Please tell me you know who I'm talking about. Garrison Keillor? A Prairie Home Companion? NPR? Hello?

Good.

Anyway, he's an amazing story teller, singer and all around entertainer. He had you laughing one moment at the Catsup Advisory Board segment and crying the next with a song about Shep the family dog that died.

Fred Newman. And I thought my sound effects were good. I guess his job might be secure from me taking it. Garrison would adlib a story and Fred would have to make up sound efx for it on the spot. Totally awesome. Who else could do the duck version of Purple Haze? You had to be there.

I had just gotten back from vacation in Florida and went to see The Rhubarb Tour. I wasn't sure what to expect and I was very tired but I'm glad I went. It was very enjoyable.

See it.

Two things: Vacation and Feet Coverings

2005-08-12T13:37:00.000-05:00

Yes that picture scares me. But dang, it makes me laugh. I'm pretty sure it's Safe For Work, there's nothing naughty showing.

First, I'm going on vacation tomorr...wait..what time is it? I'm going on vacation today. To Florida to wrestle sharks and stuff. I'll see you next week sometime.

Second, feet coverings. Er, I mean shoes. I've always liked shoes. See, they keep the cockleburs from sticking to and therefore in my feet when I walk around outside. Cockleburs hurt, I know from experience. I'm not saying that cockleburs are the sole reason that I like shoes. Of course not. That would be akin to saying I like tennis rackets because they make really good pretend guitars.

I can't pinpoint the moment that I decided that I liked shoes; just always have. When I was a kid my mom would buy me new shoes right before the school year began. Of course as a kid you always wore the new shoes out of the store and put the old torn up stinky shoes in the new shoes' box. And then you would see how fast you could run because new shoes automatically allow you to run faster than you could run in the old shoes. It's just a fact of life. You'd be zooming around the store trying not to run into anybody with your mom calling out Don't run in the store! But you didn't listen and she couldn't catch you. She didn't have the new shoes. You did.

I always wanted the expensive shoes and my mom would buy them for me! She must love me a whole lot. I wanted the Air Jordans and she'd get them for me even though my feet were still growing and I'd only be able to wear them a short while.

I've always had good shoe taste and I'm very discriminating in my shoe selection. Comfort is important but not as important as the coolness factor. Combine those together and you have a shoe that could stop wars and bring about world peace. In fact, that's what first attracted M. to me. Her first ever words to me were You always have the coolest shoes.

In high school I pretty much started the Converse One Star craze. And I wore mine everyday. Even when the uppers started separating from the sole and I'd have marching band rehearsal first thing in the morning and I'd get wet socks because the field was still soaked with dew so I'd go around with damp feet all day. It didn't matter! My shoes were awesome.

When I was a wee lad, I wanted a certain Dexter shoe so bad I could taste it. This particular shoe was quite popular and so I won't claim I started this fad. I think my mom actually made me save my allowance and buy them myself. When I finally had enough money, I couldn't find them anywhere. I searched and searched but they were not to be found in stock. Then, when I was in Florida visiting my grandmother, I found a pair in Gayfer's. There was ONE PAIR LEFT and they were MY SIZE. Well, they were technically women's shoes, but they fit me and they looked the same as the men's so nobody would know the difference. I stared lovingly at them them on the way back to grandma's and maybe even smooched them once (or twice). I don't mind admitting that because I'm secure enough in my manhood and my love of shoes. Plus, they were women's shoes. It's not like I was making out with a man's shoe. Personally, I don't butter my biscuit that way.

Later in life, I'd spend an entire summer searching for old school (think Bing Crosby) black and white wingtips. And I found plenty of them all over the south but I was looking for a certain style with a specific stitching (like I said, I'm very discriminating). I even drove as far as Birmingham (2.5 hours) to the big honking mall to look specifically for these shoes, but no such luck. I eventually found them; in a vintage clothing store in Memphis (3 hours away). They were exactly what I was looking for and they were my size! Sort of. The left one was a B width and the right one....AAA. Keep in mind I wear a D width shoe. Boy did that right shoe hurt but I didn't care and I wore them anyway.

I wore them with a sweet pinstripe gray tuxedo to a Big Bad Voodoo Daddy concert and danced until my right foot literally bled. Then I went and had a beer with the band. Ok, not so much as with the band as much as we raided their dressing room after they left. Hey, they said we could!

Recently I took the shoes to a local shop and had them stretched. They feel much better now. I even danced in them in the musical revue without losing any blood.

Twice I've been suckered into buying expensive shoes when I had no intention of doing so. The first time I was looking for some tennis shoes. I had tried on several pairs of shoes and none seemed to feel just right. Then I found a box that looked different from the other boxes around it in the "on sale" section. I tried them on and the heavens broke open. I stood weeping in a shaft of light that shone down from the heavens, straight through the Shoe Carnival ceiling and illuminated my feet; I had never known such foot comfort.

I didn't see a price on the box but they were in the sale section, How expensive could they really be? I bopped on up to the sales clerk and he said Oh ho ho, those are the New Balance blah blah blah's and they are NOT on sale. They are the best shoe New Balance makes yada yada yada. Well they were in the "sale section" I muttered. It didn't really matter cause I had tasted their comfort goodness on my feet and there was no going back. I've since bought another pair.

The second time I was suckered was, like, last week. I went into a local shoe proprietor looking for an all purpose black shoe. I wanted something that I could wear with a suit or with jeans. And I didn't want to spend more than say $50 because I needed them right then and I told my wife that I would reserve the right to buy another pair later if I found some I liked better.

Anyway. I told the sales girl what I wanted and she lit up and said Oh I have the perfect shoe. And she held up the most casual looking BROWN shoe I had ever seen. These are brand new and look to be very popular and I love them she told me. I looked at her and thought Are you joking? First, I wanted BLACK. Second, I don't see me wearing these with a suit. So I asked to try on a more traditional looking pair of black shoes. They were $25 more than I wanted to spend and they weren't that comfy and I wasn't in love with them. But I was willing to sacrifice just so I'd have some black shoes. And remember I had reserved the right to get some better ones later. The sales girl wouldn't shut up about these other shoes though. We have them in black and they're great. After a bit I agreed to try them on just so she'd stop going on about them.

Damn. That girl's good. I've totally been owned.

They are the most comfortable casual leather shoe ever created. And I immediately decided that I could, in fact, wear them with slacks and most certainly jeans and maybe they would fill a hole in my shoe wardrobe that I didn't even realize existed. Plus I really did like them. And of course, they cost twice as much as I had planned to spend.

The kicker is the next day I found a coupon in a coupon book that I had in my car for 20% off a purchase at this particular shoe shop. *sigh*

And now I'd like to show you some of my shoes. Some of the special ones.

The sweet wingtips from Memphis.

The Johnston and Murphy shoes I was tricked into buying.

My band shoes. Ha. But they go sweet with this pimp suit I got.

I had my eye on these Hush Puppies. Then a local store went out of business and I snatched them up fo' cheap. Also have pimpish quality (so I have been told)

Wait. How did those get in there? Next picture!

Kangaroos. Or just Roos for short. Kickin' style and function in the form of a zippered pouch. What else does one need in a shoe?

Uh, just some shoes doing the humpty dance. Nothing to see here, move along.

This is a just a sample of the shoes that I wear upon my feet. And yes, I need more closet space.

Everybody have a good weekend. Let's do sushi.

Another secret skill revealed

2005-08-10T00:03:00.000-05:00

That's right, I'm going back into the vault to reveal another secret, well not really secret so much as I just haven't talked about it, skill that some of you didn't know I had.

I am a professional frisbee golf player.

What? Stop laughing, really, I am.

For the last four or so years I have played competitive Frisbee^® golf. It's usually referred to as disc golf cause Frisbee^® is trademarked. Those Wham-O bastards. It just so happens that I have some proof of this one too, but we'll get to that.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Well the object is to throw your disc from point A, the tee, to point B, the hole, in the fewest number of throws possible. And the hole isn't really a hole in the ground, it's an above ground basket that is designed to catch discs, like in the picture above. Sound silly? Well it is a little bit. But no more than regular golf. And it's not nearly as expensive or frustrating.

There are different kinds of discs just like there are different kinds of golf clubs. There are drivers, midrange and putting discs. Some that go left, right and straight. Some are good for rolling on the ground or throwing overhand like a baseball.

My friend from work, J., and his wife got me and M. out to the local course to play a few years ago. I had played a few times in high school but not very much. For some reason this go around I was hooked instantly. We were going out there about three times a week and it's about a 45 minute one way drive to the course. We played tons that summer and starting in the fall we found out about tournaments.

The international disc golf organization is the Professional Disc Golf Association. They sanction tournaments all over the world. But for various reasons, in the southeast the tournaments are sanctioned with the Southern Nationals tournament series. The SN is simpler to deal with and there's a SN championship at the end of every season that pays out pretty well to amateur and professional players.

I started at the lowest level of competitive play, the Novice division. This division is meant for first-time tourny players and people who are new to the game in general. My first tourny I played Novice but I had been playing casually for a few months. Well I won that one. W00t!

I moved up to Intermediate Amateur. After a while I started winning some of those tournys too. Some of them had 30 or 40 people in my division. So next I moved up to Advanced Amateur. This is the last level before going pro.

Advanced Ams generally have most of the skills of a professional, they're just not as developed or as consistent. And putting is probably the biggest dividing factor between ams and pros.

My first tourny that I played as an Advanced player, I won. That did not make some of the more "seasoned" Advanced players happy. I decided at the start of the year that no matter how good I got I was going to stick out the entire year in the Advanced division. I would travel around and play tournys all over the south and see how I stack up on different courses playing against different people.

To make a long story short, I did pretty well. I traveled all over and had a ton of fun. And spent a lot of money.

The Southern National Amateur Championships came around and I was listed as the favorite to win. Let me tell you, I have never known pressure like that before. I put some of it on myself but there were a lot of people picking me to win.

The format would be three full rounds and then only the top third (or half, I can't remember) of the field would play a final nine holes. The horn sounded for the start of the first round and. I. choked. At the end of the first round I was six strokes off the leader and about 22 people were ahead of me. Not good, but not insurmountable.

I came back strong the second round and shot about the second best score for the round. Unfortunately for me the leader boy shot the same score so I was no closer to him but I did jump ahead of a lot of people.

I was about the third card down (four people to a card) for the third round on Sunday morning. Once again, I shot the second best score for the round. Leader boy didn't fare as well and I cut his lead to three strokes. I was in third place going into the final nine.

At the end of the third round, when I saw the standings and that I was only three strokes out, I knew right then that I would win. It was the coolest feeling in the world. I knew that if I didn't win it would be because the two people ahead of me would step up and play really well in the finals and I might not catch them. But. I knew I could do it. I had total confidence in my abilities at that moment and throughout the remainder of the tournament.

During the regular season play, I caught a lot of crap for staying in the Advanced Am division when I was doing so well. I got called a sandbagger more than once. But I knew that sticking it out was the right thing for me to do and I think because I stuck it out and learned how to win in all types of situations, it allowed me to have that feeling of total confidence when I needed it most. Had I moved up to the pro division earlier and started taking my licks from the pros, I would have learned a lot but I don't think I would've learned what I needed for that moment in the championships.

Well it came down to the last hole of the finals, but I won. And it was a great feeling.

At the awards ceremony, after I accepted the first place trophy, Jim Orum, the father of Southern Nationals disc golf, announced that they were starting a new award that year call the Amateur Player of the Year. It's tradition to name the award after the first recipient. So if you take up disc golf in the south, practice hard and play lots of tournys, you might win the Kary Rogers Amateur Player of the Year Award. How cool is that? I can imagine years from now some future recipient wondering why he's winning a girl's award.

Truly one of the best days of my life.

So I play pro now. Two weeks after the Am championship was the Pro championship. It's also a tradition for the Advanced winner to get a paid entry to the Pro championship. I went and played and tied for last place cash, which isn't too bad for my first outing in the pro ranks.

I've had a lot of fun the last four years and met a lot of great people. Luckily MSU just recently installed a disc golf course on campus so it doesn't take three hours to drive and play in Columbus anymore. If you're local to Starkville and you want to play sometime, let me know. We're going to have regular outings at the course on Thursday's at 5:45pm starting this week. I'll be happy to show you around the course and I've got plenty of extra frisbees.

Oh yeah, the proof. Check out this highlight reel:

(7.5 MB, Quicktime)

These are some clips from two tournaments I cut together from SouthernShots! courtesy of DiscAppear productions at DiscGolfDVD.com.

This is it. Probably. But I really doubt it.

2005-08-09T01:43:00.000-05:00

If you read this site with any regularity then you know why I haven't been updating much. And I think this will be the final word on the musical revue I have spent the last month rehearsing and performing and which was my introductory experience into the theater.

Warning. This will quite possibly be insanely long and boring.

I was bitten by the hey-you-lazy-slob-sitting-on-the-couch-why-don't-you-get-up-and-go-do-something-fun bug some number of months ago. In my case it was the acting/performing species of bug. I called my doctor about the bite and he said there was no medication I could take; I could only heed the bug's bite and do what it wanted. What a quack, he doesn't know anything is what I thought.

I attempted to find my own cure and I tried everything but nothing really scratched the itch just right. I started this blog and that helped but it didn't cure me. I went knocking screen door to screen door in my trailer park reading Shakespeare to whom ever would open their door to me, but all that got me was a ferret bite, two empty Jack bottles thrown at my head and me being blinded by seeing too many femullets with nothing on but a bra-less wife beater. *whimper*

I apologize for that last link.

Eventually I called up my friend B. to ask what was going on at the local community theater. I found out they were having auditions for a summer musical revue in like 4 days. Well that leaves me lots of time to find a song and prepare I thought (sarcastically). Especially since I've never sung a solo in front of people before and never had a singing audition before or been on stage for that matter. But I was determined to give it a go and find out if I could do it or not. I covered the audition here and here.

The last weekend of June we had a "bootcamp." We ran through as many of the songs as we could to get a feel for what worked, what might work given more effort and time and what absolutely didn't work at all. Rehearsals started in earnest on July 5th (I thinks). In general we met Sunday through Thursday evenings with a set construction work day on Saturday. That's a lot of rehearsal time you might think but keep in mind our first performance would be July 28th. And there were piles of music to learn.

Well, anyway, I showed up to rehearsals like a good little soldier and sat quietly in my seat and sang my little heart out. I get the impression now that everyone was afraid I was really shy and was worried how I might do on stage since I never opened my mouth during rehearsals except to sing.

I'll admit it takes me a little while to open up to new people. Some people just don't get me and my brand of humor and personality so I'm usually a little shy and quiet at first. Actually I probably opened up a lot sooner to the theater people because of this blog. Somehow someone found out about it. I think I had it in my email signature for a very short period of time, like half a day. And I corresponded with someone in the theater via email. And let's just say it made the rounds. And I was found out. Oh, apparently the new guy does have one of those personality things. After the Amazing and Totally Awesome Sound EFX post, there was really little point in me holding back any longer.

This also happened to correspond to the time we started actually getting on stage and working out the blocking. It suddenly became a whole lot more fun for me. See, sitting in a chair for hours on end working on music didn't prepare me for the experience on being on the stage. I've sat in a chair for hours on end working on music before, that's nothing new. But being on stage, oh baby, that was new.

Now I've performed in some way or another my whole life . Church choir, school concert and marching band and other singing groups, but this was completely different. I wasn't another faceless kid with a horn to my face or stuck out of the way in an orchestra pit or part of the backup singers for the music leader. I was on a stage with really bright lights and I was in your face to either suck or stand out.

And I don't like to suck.

Soon I started hearing things like "applause whore" associated with my name. Well I was offended. I was just trying to do a good job and show that I'm having a good time. Then I found out that being called an applause whore isn't necessarily a bad thing. Well maybe we should come up with a new name. I nearly cried myself to sleep that night. Not really, but it was a bit alarming at first. I think it's a compliment of some sort.

Meanwhile, I'm starting to get to know the people that I'm performing with and find that they really are a friendly, cool buncha folks to be around; they were just waiting on me to open up so that they didn't seem pushy. They are all friendly, helpful, complimentary, encouraging, patient, cool, beautiful people that I am a better person for knowing. If you are an SCT person reading this, then I mean YOU. I am talking about you. Are all theater people this cool or did I just luck out on my first go at it?

My biggest regret in all of this is that I DIDN'T JOIN SCT SOONER. I've spent years sitting on the couch when I could have been helping to create a new and exciting show and hanging out with terribly cool friends. These people are everyone. Doctors, financial professionals, technology geeks, educators, home makers, media professionals, etc etc etc. Yet they all have a love of coming together to create something greater than themselves and they do it beautifully. I have been honored and privileged to be a part of it. And dang it, I want to do it again.

Like I said, I've never been on stage before but I found out something through this experience. I am completely comfortable there. I don't get really nervous. Sometimes, I might be over-the-top but it's because I want to do things that I think are funny or awesome and I hope the audience would think so too. Is doing a James Brown kick-slide-split over-the-top for a curtain call? Probably so, but dang it I would think it was cool if I saw somebody do it. I didn't plan on it, if anything I was going to do it during Footloose but I chickened out. The spirit just moved me and it had to be done right then.

Ok, this could go on forever so I really should wrap it up. Just a couple more things before the summary.

You know, it's not that hard to learn some music and where to stand when, but putting all the small details together to make an impressive show is something that I can't fathom doing. And Pattye Archer, the Director, pulled it off with aplomb. How does she do it? I don't know. She has help, but wowzer did she put on a great show. Thanks Pattye, the show was great and so are you!

To all the SCT cast and crew: Thank You. From the booth peeps (Ty, Chad, Dave, Michael) always hitting their lighting and sound cues, to the stage managers (Ellen and Alison) having us all straight back stage so we knew what the heck was going on, to the musicians (Becky, James, Boogie Daddy) for learning a jaw-dropping amount of music and making us sound good, to the box office and reception volunteers for all the work and cooking they did, to Jansen for everyone's fab hair (especially mine) and to the cast:

M.J. - You are terribly cool and talented. Teach me everything you know!
Cherri - I love your voice, it's so classic.
Maddy - I've so much enjoyed being your stalkee, I can't wait to see you in the next show. Maybe you'll be the stalkee this time!
Tess - You are very funny and interesting. Thanks for being my Cleopatra.
Brian - We've known each other a long time and have done a lot of things together, I'm glad to add this chapter to our friendship.
Casey - Fellow newbie and applause whore! You are so fun and talented, I hope to see you in future shows.
Thomas - My sister. Your skills range all over the theater, I have a lot to learn from you.
Michael - A man of serious talent. It was a blast, thanks for the tips and I'll share my Gold Bond with you anytime.
Bonnie - I'm still amazed at how fast you can get all the way around the building and back on stage. You were great!
Cindy - You have a lovely voice. I had fun singin' in the rain with you.
Paul - You played so many great roles in the show. It was fun watching you. It's obvious you have many friends who love you at the theater and I can see why.
Lyle - Outstanding voice and character abilities. Terribly friendly and supportive. I hope to learn a lot at your side on stage in the future.
Kyle - My secret pal. You were fabulous and I hope to see you on the stage again.
Marianne - Beautiful, talented, a little crazy (in a totally good way). And so much more.
Andrew - Very entertaining on the stage and backstage. You never knew what he might do. And I'll try not to kill you with the back door anymore.
Molly - My Elvis dancing partner. The Pretzel just can't be beat. Thanks for including me and being so friendly.
Krista - The trophy girl. And I totally made out with her. Well not really but it was close. You were so enjoyable to watch on You Lost That Loving Feeling. Your expressions were priceless.
Marcus - The trophy girl's man. I did not make out with him, at least not that I can remember. Dude you have serious acting skills. Your impressions and accents are sweet.

And last but not least:

My wife - Thanks for being patient with me as I was out playing with the other kids. I had a lot of fun but I came home late many nights. Next year you'll have to join me! I love you!

Whew, if you made it this far, I'm sorry but don't you have better things to do?

Executive Summary: I was bitten by a bug that required me to sing and dance in front of really bright lights. In doing so, I met scores of very cool and talented people that I hope to stand in front of really bright lights with again. I wish I would've done it sooner and if you didn't come to the show you have no idea what you missed, which is good because if you knew what you missed you would cry for 40 days and 40 nights.

I will post some pictures when they are available to me.

That Oompa Loompa looks familiar

2005-08-07T23:26:00.000-05:00

Probably cause they're all the same person!

I saw Willy Wonka tonight. Yes, I know it's not called Willy Wonka but Willy Wonka is more fun to say. Willy Wonka. See? Willy Wonka. Haha.

I was pleasantly surprised with this movie. I went straight to Wal*Mart to buy something afterwards. What does that mean? Read the archives! Dang!

Actually I went to buy the soundtrack. I've liked Danny Elfman for years and this soundtrack rocks. The Oompa Loompa songs are really great. Too bad Wal*Mart sucks and they didn't have the CD. They did have the original Chocolate Factory soundtrack though, so I bought that instead. Pure Imagination is pure childhood memory goodness.

The basic storyline is the same as you'd remember from the first movie (I haven't read the book so I can't comment on that). It deviates at the end and at first I was disappointed in the way Charlie won the prize by default. He's the only kid left so he wins. Yippee. I like the way he wins in the first movie better. But. There was a reason this was changed. The story takes a different yet interesting turn to focus on Willy Wonka's (teehee) relationship (or lack thereof) with his father. A large part of the focus during the story was spent on Willy Wonka's (haw) childhood. So it's not all that surprising when the ending comes.

John Depp's Willy Wonka (guffaw) at times is very funny and at times very disturbing. Sometimes I like him, sometimes I didn't. Fair enough.

The movie is different from the original but if you have a special place in your heart for the Gene Wilder version, I think you will enjoy this movie too.

Go see it at your favorite movie viewing establishment and tell them I sent you. No, you won't get a discount but hopefully I'll get some free stuff or something.

Weekly Update

2005-08-05T15:35:00.000-05:00

Sad, I know. A weekly update. Pathetic.

Ah well. Next week we'll return to your usual programming here at IMKH. Why? Because the show will be over. Done. Fin. And it's kinda sad.

I've had very little time to sit on my couch and think of new useless and silly things to write about in the last few weeks. Why? Because I've been hanging out with the totally awesome people at the Starkville Community Theater almost every night. I'll post about that later.

The hair is holding up well. I've invested (and I do mean invested) in the tiniest little flat iron you've ever seen. It allows me to have punk-rock hair everyday! My parents will see my hair tonight for the first time since I straightened it as they are driving up for the show. I wonder how they'll react. I've had the curly hair for a really long time, like, my whole life and they're the ones that gave it to me. I'll report back on the parents' opinion.

Since my parents are visiting this week, we went into panic cleaning mode. We went so far as to rip up the carpet in the living room and hallway area to replace it with laminate flooring. We have cats, you see, (and a dog) and the carpet had reached its limit in terms of wear in only three short years. And it was nasty. So we proceeded to replace it. Ourselves. Three days of work. I had to take off Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon just to get it all done. But it came out nice. I might post some pics of the process later.

I've got a couple ideas for posts to work out next week and I haven't forgotten about the new instructional video.

Gotta get the ice beam to beat Mother Brain, Yo.

Butterfly in the sky

2005-07-29T16:42:00.000-05:00

The show opened last night. I think it went really well and it was a lot of fun. I do hope you come see it.

But don't take my word for it.

*cue Reading Rainbow transition music* BaBump Bump

Welcome to today

2005-07-29T13:43:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to give a shout out to Grimace today. We love you, man. Er, thing. Yeah, big...purple...thing. We love you!

Some Grimace discussion.

Now Showing...

2005-07-26T14:35:00.000-05:00

SCT goes to the movies.

From time-to-time I've mentioned the musical revue that I'm in this summer, mainly as my excuse as to why I haven't been updating as much as I would like. We've been really busy with rehearsals and this week is an exception. We've been super-duper busy. The show opens Thursday night. Yikes! But I feel it is coming together and it will be a knock-out show.

The theme is music from the movies. We're taking favorites from popular movies throughout the last several decades and giving them that special I-don't-know-what. James Bond, Little Shop of Horrors, Disney favorites and Fame just to name a few. The set is done, the lights are up and the musicians are ready. Come relax and enjoy an evening of toe-tappin', tear-jerkin', soulful singin'.

You need to be there. The best part is, the tickets are FREE! That's right, you won't have to pay a penny for a ticket. All we ask is for a minimum of $25 donation to the theater. What? You think that was sneaky? It is a fund raiser after all, you cheap skate. So come support your local community theater. And you won't find any better entertainment around.

Here's the schedule:

Thursday, July 28th
Friday, July 29th
Saturday, July 30th
Thursday, August 4th
Friday, August 5th
Saturday, August 6th

The show starts at 7:30pm each night. There will be a champagne and dessert reception following each show.

Surely, out of these six evenings you can find one to come check out the show. I don't care how far you have to drive or fly; you can see me strut my stuff on Footloose, sing the Elvis ballad "Love Me Tender" and many other exciting tunes. And if you think I'm talented, you ain't seen nothing yet; I'm the least talented performer in the show! Now that's not to say that I'm not talented (of course, see Awesome Lessons) but that we have an amazing, gifted cast that will knock your socks off.

So drop what you are doing and call the box office for your reservations: 662-323-6855

I'm in a band!

2005-07-22T23:59:00.000-05:00

Actually I'm not but I could be with my new rock star hairdo. Check it.

For the first time in my life, I have straight(ish) hair. I've been thinking about doing this all summer and, well, I did it. This is not so much a Look At Me The Attention Whore post as a This Is An Important Life Event post.

The guy who does hair for the theater shows has a place in Columbus and he's fabulous. Go to Jamie's Salon and ask for Jansen (my bad if I misspelled that). Anyway, I talked to him a few nights ago at rehearsal and he said Come on in, I can totally do that.

So one of the other guys from the show, Lyle, was going to get his hair Jansenized too. I caught a ride with him and it was boys' day at the salon.

It's really different as I've never seen my hair like this before so it's going to take some getting used to. I mean, I've only had insanely curly hair my whole life. Though the more I look at it, the more I like it.

And, of course, I have before and after pics. The "before" is from December. Since then, I've lost a bunch of hair and a bunch of weight. For all following pictures, clickify to biggify. (I didn't really wear my hair like this out in public)

and

And a couple of quick, one-handed "after" snaps. (These aren't very good, maybe I'll to get some better ones up)

and

Oh boy! Summer hair fun. Do other people get an unexplainable urge to mess with their hair during the summer? The past couple of summers I've sprayed A Touch of Sun in it to lighten it up. Well I topped that one this year.

Who knows what it'll look like in a couple of days. I ain't got no hair doing skillz. I usually wet it and put anti-frizz crap in it. It takes all of 13.7 seconds. I think this will take more work. And I can't get it wet for three days. I actually have a shower cap to wear in the shower. Teehee.

Podcasting on IMKH

2005-07-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

Survey says: Stinks

I technically wasn't going to podcast. It's really more of an audioblog thing I had in mind. I tried, really, I did. I recorded a couple different archive posts and I'm just not happy with them. I recorded that dang shark post about 5 different times.

After a couple of evening's experimentation, here are my thoughts on my audioblogging skills:

Apparently things sound much funnier in my head than when spoken aloud. Turns out I have a completely different style of speaking in my head than I do out of my mouth and it doesn't translate very well
I sound like I'm from Mississippi. There could be a reason for that
The built-in mic on my Powerbook isn't the best for quality audio recording. This is a cop out reason

I'm not totally giving up, I might do some audioblogging in the future, but I ain't real keen on reading old posts.

BTW, As you know, I have l33t photoshop skillz. And now you know that I also have mad picture-taking skillz cause I totally took that picture.

Insert Title Here

2005-07-19T22:35:00.000-05:00

Ok I'm just gonna write some stuff and go with it so put on your seat belt. It's 5 minutes with Mr. KaryHead.

How the heck did I get that name? Mr. KaryHead. What does it even mean? Well I'll tell you.

Once very long ago I was helping with Vacation Bible School at church. Don't know what VBS is? Sorry, I'm moving on. So I was helping with the chillin's recreation time. Me and some friends. We had fun with the kiddies. They chased us, we chased them, we slid down the slide, they slid down the slide, we bounced rubber balls off of their heads, they most certainly did not bounce balls off our heads. They were too short for that sort of thing.

One day I did something one of them didn't like. Maybe I pushed him down. Nah, that doesn't seem right, I wasn't mean. Maybe I didn't let him win Duck Duck Goose. Yeah. Cause I will never play the patsy with kids when it comes to Duck Duck Goose. I play fo' keeps, yo.

So anyway, this kid, who apparently couldn't run around a circle of his seated peers as fast as I could, says something like You ol' Mr. KaryHead.

You know how kids will insult you by adding 'head' to the word? You ol' poophead, for example. Or You ain't nuthin' but a farthead. You see the theme here? Well that's the kind of insults kids use. At least they did in my day, who knows what kind of awful words they would use today. You might be callin me Mr. LimpDickHead if it were kids today. Jeez. Inside Mr. LimpDickHead just doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?

For some reason the slow-running-Goose couldn't come up with a good bodily function word to add 'head' to in his frustration. So he used my name + head. My friends thought it was sooo funny.

I've been known as Mr. KaryHead ever since. Sometimes just KaryHead if we're on familiar terms.

Good night.

Viva StarkVegas

2005-07-19T15:06:00.000-05:00

I need your help.

I bought this belt buckle and as you can see, it is sweet. I'm thinking of hacking it to say StarkVegas instead of Las Vegas. That would be pretty swell. And then I could sell them for a million dollars. Well I wouldn't really do that, I'd only make one and then everybody would be envious of my awesome custom belt buckle. Really, they would. They told me so.

Anyway. The thing is made out of metal. Maybe I could fill in the Las with some sort of putty or spackle and then paint it metallic silver to cover it up. Then I could use a stencil or something and paint on the Stark.

I don't know, I'm probably way over my head on this. Anybody with a crafty mindset care to offer a suggestion?

Notice of (possible) Impending Podcast

2005-07-15T22:28:00.000-05:00

All the cool kids are doing it.

I'm thinking for the first few, I'm going to take some of the Comedy Gold that has already been posted and record it. I think it's probably much funnier in my head than your head anyway. Maybe hearing sorta kinda how it sounds in my head will make it even better.

I don't know, we'll see.

And I'm not promising anything.

I sure wish I had a decent microphone. If I get halfway serious about podcasts, I'll have to get a better one.

Any requests from the archive?

BTW, I heard from one viewer that the bird call video made him lose the yogurt he was eating.

I'm very proud.

By the way, cinnamon is soooo gangsta

2005-07-14T16:49:00.000-05:00

I don't know what that means. Ask Rahul. (pic "borrowed" from Mallory)

I went to Roxie's last night to meet up with some of the Runnin' With Scissors Posse (RWSP). RWS is the university improv/sketch comedy group. I plan to audition for the group this fall.

I've only been able to make it to one show in the past, but I enjoyed it and it made me laugh-out-loud several times. I think the best part was during one of the games, the old Slip N Slide came up. One of the members, a girl mind you, dove head-first, sliding on her chest on the concrete floor, doing a complete Pete Rose. It was awesome and I wanted to stand up and applaud.

As is obvious, it's a talented, funny group of performers. And I'm excited at the chance to be part of it.

So I went up there to hang out a little while and ask questions about the group. I met Houston, Laura, Mallory, Laura and Chuck. Houston is the director, the first Laura is a self-professed groupie, Mallory is the graphic artist and photographer, the second Laura is a member, er, actor, er, player and Chuck is the filmographer.

Lots of my questions were answered and a good time was had. I got the impression that they were afraid of scaring me off due to the on-going antics and other alcohol-related-whatnot. But no, I didn't feel my life was threatened at any time during the evening. An' I been 'round crazier. I think I probably scared them off with that bird call video (post below this one). "Yeah, we don't need any of that crap."

Anyway, it seems like they have a good time and they were very welcoming to an outsider.

So thanks. I'm looking forward to the opportunity of making teh funnay with you alls.

Behold: Totally Awesome Sound EFX

2005-07-13T20:34:00.000-05:00

Surely you've seen at least one Police Academy movie. If so, then no doubt you remember Cadet Larvell Jones (Michael Winslow). This was the dude that made the really cool sound efx. He could mimic any sound with his mouth/voice/etc. And because of him, I was inspired to develop this skill.

Yes, for the first time ever, I will demonstrate what has taken me years of practice to learn. You may think it's easy to make the sound of a door creaking open but to do it so that the public can not tell the difference between the real thing and the sound effect is a highly sought after skill that only a few are fortunate enough to master.

I am one of those few. It has taken me since childhood to perfect some of these effects. I hope you will appreciate the supreme skill involved in producing these sounds.

I think you will be amazed. Enjoy.

(Ed. note: You may need to turn your volume way up to hear worth anything. Or way down.)

I'll start with a simple one. A train.

Wow

Next is a ketchup bottle.

Golly gee

Oh man, you know you hate the squeaky chalk.

Everyone's favorite: the tugboat foghorn.

Simply stunning

Let's not forget the magnificent horse.

Amazing

The spine-tingling roar of a concert crowd.

Ground shaking

Here's a string of supertastic sounds:

Big rig slamming on brakes

A trumpeting elephant

The air slowly let out of a balloon

Ho-ly crap

How about a bear?

Scrumtrulescent

At this point, I know you're saying There's no way anybody could make sounds that realistic and amazing. I know, I understand your incredulousness but check it out, I have proof . The last one is a video of me doing some bird calls. 2.7MB, Quicktime format.

Close your eyes and it's like you're sitting in the woods surrounded by our singing winged friends, eh? I hope you heard your favorite bird in that medley.

Well there you have it. I'm looking into getting some work doing voice sound efx. I've got a call in with Garrison Keillor of Prairie Home Companion. They could totally use my skills over there.

Calling All Destroyers

2005-07-12T11:12:00.000-05:00

The second reference to my new favorite album (iTunes Music Store and Amazon). Get it.

I have two new posts to work on. Unfortunately they both require more than me sitting down and banging them out on the keyboard. I gotta do some prep work and my free time is minimal right now.

One is an unveiling of a skill that I have been blessed with. No one has ever witnessed its greatness before and you'll be the first to behold its glory.

The other is inspired by this post. Yes folks, it's the second installment in the Essential Skills Instructional Video series. Hopefully you've mastered the first one by now. If not, watch it again and keep practicing.

So I've been singing my little butt off and rehearsals are going well but we've only got like three weeks to pull off an amazing amount of music. Wish us luck and come see the show. I'll post more about the dates and times later.

BTW, Internet Explorer sucks. This is not news. See, it doesn't do transparent backgrounds on PNG images. Go get Firefox if you are on Windows. Please.

Tootle-loo.

J. Peterman got robbed

2005-07-10T22:12:00.000-05:00

My wife wanted to watch Dancing with the Stars. We took ballroom dance lessons some years ago and like to dance so we thought it might be interesting to watch. It was, mostly.

I'm not going to give my opinion on all the couples and whatnot but here's the basic premise of the show if you're not familiar with it. A "celebrity" is paired with a professional ballroom dancer. They learn a dance routine or two in a week and then perform on live television. There are three judges who give their opinions and scores. The public gets to call in and vote, the two scores are combined and each week the lowest scoring couple is given the boot.

Right off the bat, we knew that a female celebrity being paired with a male pro dancer had the advantage. Why? The male is supposed to lead and it is up to him to make the couple look good. Now the lady has to move gracefully and follow his lead but a male celebrity has a lot to learn and accomplish if he wants to have a chance in this competition.

In the end it came down to John O'Hurley and Kelly Somebody-from-some-soap-opera. This girl started out terrible but she kept coming back every week. I'll admit she was the sexiest celebrity on the show. She beat out Joey Mac from NKOTB for the title of sexiest, but barely.

Anyway, I figured her sex appeal was the only reason she was staying on the show. I have no doubt the judges' score and the public vote have little to do with the actual results. It's all about what the producers want to do, I think. They didn't want to eliminate the show's sex appeal. But, Kelly got better. She worked really hard and made it into the finals.

John O'Hurley (and his pro partner) kicked ass the entire 6-week competition. Even the judges admitted they were the couple to beat. The last dance of the show was freestyle and the judges praised them and gave them a 27 out of 30 possible points. Then Kelly and her partner did their freestyle dance, which I thought was not as good as John's. It was sloppier, though I admit some of it was more technically challenging.

27 was the highest score that had been given on the show. 9-9-9. There hadn't been a single 10 awarded, ever. Until the end.

The crappin' judges gave Kelly 10-10-10. They ended up winning the whole damn thing.

This is the biggest load of red-ruffed-tail-lemur-from-madagascar droppings I have ever seen. I was so pissed. The judges were paid off and the producers are idiots. I feel like after committing to this 6-week show, I have been betrayed.

You know what? I'm going to boycott ABC. Yep, that's right, in fact, I'm never going to use the letters a, b and c again. So there.

I hope I w_s the only one th_t w_sted my time w_t_hing this _r_p show. I think everyone should _oy_ott the _hannel _nd the letters. Huzz_h!

Fantástico Cuatro

2005-07-09T23:45:00.000-05:00

Scene: Starkville Hollywood Premiere Cinema

Time: Two minutes before lights dim

And Action: I rise up out of my seat, clear my throat and address the theater patrons. Excuse me. Thank you for choosing SHPC for your entertainment this evening. I am the associate manager of the theater though I'm off tonight. I'd like to take this moment of your time before the feature presentation begins to go over new theater regulations.

Cell phones are great tools. They allow us to stay in contact with those we love and can help out in a tight spot. Just about everyone has one these days. In fact, let's see, if you have a cell phone, hold it up. (I fish mine out of my pocket and raise it up. Dozens of others do the same.)

You know, nothing is more frustrating and annoying than to pay good money to see a movie only to have it interrupted by someone's ringing cell phone and ensuing conversation. Right now I ask all of you to put your phone into silent mode. If you don't know how, then just turn it off. (I put mine on silent.) Thank you. Your fellow movie-goers thank you.

Now, a word of warning. If your cell phone rings during the feature, you will be taken out back by Burl, our policy enforcer, and beaten with one of those swimming pool noodle things. We don't want to hurt you, just let you know that we disapprove of your lack of consideration for others. This is our no tolerance cell phone policy.

Thank you and enjoy the show.

I'm pretty much the perfect movie watcher. I can totally get into the suspension of disbelief, drool rolling down my chin mode and be all Ooooo cool effects. I generally gauge how good a movie is by my overall mood afterwards. If I'm kinda hopping around and Let's go by Walmart and buy stuff! it was probably a pretty good movie. On the other hand, if I'm more somber and Let's go home, then it might not have been a good movie.

I've decided to be more aware during movies.

So I saw Fantastic Four tonight. Overall, pretty good. I meant to go to Walmart and buy stuff, but I got sidetracked by food and then forgot to go. I tried to pay more attention to the story telling and whatnot so here's a few comments.

I thought the beginning was edited too heavily. It felt like it took all of five minutes for them to be hit by the space storm and be back on earth discovering their powers. I, personally, needed more exposition. See, I'm not really familiar with the comic so I don't know the characters or the back story. Why were they in space again? What was this storm thing? How was it going to save humanity? How do these people know each other?

It wasn't hard to pick up on the these-people-probably-had-a-previous-relationship-that-did-not-end-well vibe between Sue Storm and Reed Whatshisname. The director kept beating me over the head with it. I got it, thanks. I mean, he could've spent the time on some other exposition details.

The Thing's turn against the group was a bit thin. I understand his motivation and his emotional state was well laid out. But Mr. Fantastico Rubber Man was obviously working his little rubber fingers to their rubber bones. The part where he fell asleep at his desk and his face was all mushed when he woke up was great. All it took to push Thing over the edge was Victor Doom, who has dubious motivations anyway, to say The reason you ain't fixed is Reed is trying to get with the girl from Dark Angel. The Thing is all Dude, you're right. Then Thing finds nobody is at the office working because Reed is out with the girl from that movie Honey. Bad timing. Didn't Thing see all the cool gadgets and equipment Reed had up and running and testing on in the previous half hour of the movie? Dang, how fast does a man have to work?

I don't know, it's not that bad but like I said, I felt it was a bit thin.

And what's with Jessica Alba? She's got the Michael Jackson disease I think. She's gone from being portrayed as kinda black to kinda latina to now kinda whitebread. Anyway. Not that I keep up with her.

I actually like the Dr. Doom character best. Not his qualities as a person so much but I thought his character's story was told the best. There wasn't too much time spent on it but I didn't feel like something got left out either. I totally got him. Human-party-torch-boy wasn't hard to get either but he wasn't as interesting.

I dug the scene where Thing and Doom fall out the window, break through the skylight and end up in the pool. Great. The guy trying to get in the elevator and escape the water was funny.

One of the funniest things was when Thing fell on a car with this white lady and black lady in it. The look on the black lady's face deserves an Oscar. Really. I'm gonna call in a few favors and see what I can do.

If I sit here long enough, I could think of more to say but I don't want to.

I saw Destre at the theater again. I have got to get me a picture with him. Add that to my picture of the Reverend and me and I've got a nice collection of Starkville Characters going.

That's All Folks

2005-07-08T13:03:00.000-05:00

Well I've been terribly busy with rehearsals every night for the musical revue. It hasn't left much time for anything else. Except breakdancin'. Yeah, I told you it was on my list. I was up until midnight trying to learn The Swipe and The Glide. Strangely, I didn't master it in about 15 minutes like I expected I would. Looks like I might have to put some effort into it. Fair enough. Rest assured it'll be awesome when I get these moves down. Heck, I'll even make a second instructional video for yas.

Meanwhile, I have this to say: mustaches, in general, make me suspicious. I don't know, they just do.

I like classical music. Big sweeping movements and that emotional build up of chords and music leading to that oh-is-it-finally-going-to-resolve moment are just lovely.

Anyway, I realized the other day listening to MPB (Mississippi Public Broadcasting) that I, and probably many of my peers', introduction to classical music is due to Looney Tunes.

Think about it man.

William Tell, Ride of the Valkyries, Barber of Seville, etc etc etc are all recognizable for many people due to Bugs Bunny and friends. Even today, when I hear one of these pieces, images of Daffy or Foghorn Leghorn or Wile E. Coyote float up from the buried portion of my subconscious where my childhood memories live.

I plan to buy the Looney Tunes DVDs for my own enjoyment and for my future, not-yet-conceived-or-born-as-far-as-i-know children.

Poor kids today probably don't watch Looney Toons. Surely it's still on TV, I haven't checked and I haven't seen it in years. I don't know what the cartoons are like today. When I do catch one, I don't know what the heck is going on or when I should laugh or be scared or anything. But I bet there ain't no classical music kickin' it on the cartoons today. Man I hope I'm wrong.

P2 / C * (K - 7) = huh?

2005-07-05T17:39:00.000-05:00

Well I made that formula up to convey the following.

Unless you do not have ears and do not have eyes or do not own a radio or television, you've no doubt heard of Paris Hilton. See, she's this really talented actress and...bawahahaha...I meant really talented attention whore. Anyways, she's dating and is engaged to this dude named Paris. So, together we have Paris and Paris or P² (cue Simon and Simon theme music). Well, that got me thinking about the time I had a girlfriend way back in seventh grade named Carrie. Yup, Carrie and Kary. In case you are wondering, yes, it was confusing at times.

It's hard to remember back that far with any details but there are a few things that stand out. She was a year older than me. We were in the "gifted" class together. And by "gifted", I mean we did things like sit around and think of as many uses for an empty plastic six-pack drink ring holder thing. Yes, stretch those little minds children, what can you do with an empty six-pack holder besides strangle poor unsuspecting birds? Think about that while I step outside for a smoke.

You had to take all these hard tests to get into the class but I don't remember it being much more than busy work. We did some cool things like design a city and build a model of our design. My group almost failed and I don't know why. I had to drink alot of lunchroom chocolate milk to have enough half-pint cartons for all the buildings, dang it! But I ain't bitter.

Right, so this girl, Carrie, was in my class. I don't remember how we "got together", but we did at some point. It probably entailed the usual piece of paper with "Will you go with me?" on it covertly passed to the girl by me via one of her friends.

Man, let me tell you, up until about eighth grade, I had tons of girlfriends. Probably a new one every month or so. Of course I wasn't old enough to drive anywhere and there was nothing sexual or even physical beyond holding hands about these relationships. But. I. was. the. man. I had girls asking me to be their boyfriend and stuff. Then around eighth grade too much self-awareness kicked in or something. And kids started being sexually active and that sorta freaked me out. I just didn't have an interest in getting naked with girls at that time in my life. I don't really know what I was into at the time but going out with a girl and maybe her expecting some nakedity along the way was just too scary. Though I imagine most girls felt the same way but what did I know? Nothing.

Right, so this girl, Carrie, was in my class. I had gotten contact lenses for the first time ever in seventh grade. I had worn glasses, big thick coke bottle glasses, since the second or third grade. I was always afraid to try to kiss a girl with glasses, at least that's the excuse I told my friends when they asked if I had kissed a girl yet. So, sans-glasses, I decided Carrie would be the one.

One day, at the end of class, I told her I needed to tell her something after class. Woowoo, was I ever slick. When the bell rang signaling the end of class, my emotions were boiling over and I don't think I have ever known fear and apprehension like that before or since. I casually lead her outside and around the side of the building. She's all So what did you want to tell me? I'm like Uh uh uh uh.

She knew.

But I just stood there like a dolt for-seemingly-ever. I had my hands on her waist and she had her hands on my shoulders. The setup was perfect, no one was around, JUST DO IT YOU PANSY. I knew time was getting short; the bell for the next period would ring any moment. But I was just standing there with her patiently smiling up at me.

Then, the next thing I remember, her tongue was in my mouth. Not wanting to offend the first-girl-I-ever-kissed, I stuck mine in hers and waggled it around a bit.

The moment lasted forever; time seemed to stand still, spitballs and paper airplanes frozen in mid-air while we did our tongue dance in each other's mouth. I WAS KISSING A GIRL. w00t! I don't remember if it was a particularly good kiss or not (most likely not since it was my first one and all). I was just euphoric from actually, finally KISSING A GIRL.

And then it was over and immediately the bell rang and the spitballs and paper airplanes resumed their flights toward their respective targets and we ran off to our next class so we wouldn't be late.

So that was a high point of the relationship. There were lows, oh yes, there were lows.

Her birthday came up and she invited me to her birthday party. I unfortunately could not attend for some reason that I can't recall. The big question was What Do I Get Her? From what I remember, I messed around and didn't have anything but a card on the night before her party. See, my mom was going to swing me by the party so I could drop her gift off and say a quick hello before going on to my previous engagement.

Check it out, I had seventeen dollars to my name. That was it. I couldn't give all of it to her, I mean, how would I eat? Haha. Anyway, I was going to put the ten dollar bill in the card 'cause I'm a generous guy like that.

Now, I know money is a sucky gift to give your eighth grade girlfriend, but what else was I going to do? It was the freakin' night before and I had nothing but my seventeen dollars, man. My mom saw what I was doing and she said No, you are not going to give that little girl your ten dollar bill. But Mooom, it's all I've got to give her right now. Well, you're not giving her the ten dollars. Me, being a somewhat selfish kid, gave in and slid the five and two ones into the card instead. I felt bad, but I just didn't have any other option. Mom wouldn't let me give her the ten and I didn't have anything else so it was the seven or nothing. She wouldn't care would she? I mean, isn't it the thought that counts anyway?

We rolled around to the party the next day and I hopped out of mom's Delta '88 in search of my girlfriend. I found her by the pool with a bunch of other kids, some I knew, some I didn't. I felt slightly out of place. We didn't do a whole lot together outside of school. She gave me a hug and I gave her the card. With the seven dollars inside. Yeah, a five bill and two ones.

She tore into the card, excited to see what her loving boyfriend had no doubt agonzied over to find just the perfect gift to reflect my deep emotional connection to her. She took the cash out, incredulously fanned it open like it might have almost been something and said with a forced smile Seven dollars, thanks. She looked me over to see if I was kidding or had her real present hidden behind my back or something. No such luck.

I felt like a very small idiot.

Oh well, I left and went whenever it was I was going. The birthday gift, thankfully, was never brought up.

That summer Carrie left on an extended family vacation and like I said, I had the womens lined up at that time in my life. I think I broke up with her over the phone. I at least waited until she got back home, it's not like I broke up with her while she was on vacation, heck, that would've been cruel.

So I wonder what the equivalent of my birthday gift for Carrie would be for Paris for Paris. I guess he might get her only one car? Or a ring that is less than eight carats? Or a mansion with less than a double-digit number of bedrooms?

Oh, an eight bedroom, twenty five thousand sq/ft home with a Mercedes in the five-car garage? Uh, thanks.

Kathy Fong is the Bomb

2005-07-04T22:20:00.000-05:00

I must apologize to those of you who have been relentlessly clicking the refresh button and have only been met with disappointment. Well be disappointed no longer! Or maybe a bit longer.

I'm sitting in the bed with lappy in my lappy. Dang I Love Wireless. DILW. I'm listening to the gentle sounds of gun fire outside my bedroom window. It's possible it's only fireworks but gun fire sounds more neater-er. I've taken the weekend to visit mis padres and mis padres-in-laws. I did some shopping and picked some clothes and a couple of CDs. Awesome points to those who can name one of the CDs based on today's title. I'm all pooped out but I've got some new posts to work on that will be along shortly. In the mean time, go here and read everything.

Also, as is plainly obvious (and redundant), I have mad 'shop skillz.

Random Things for Today

2005-06-29T22:12:00.000-05:00

I received my first ever unsolicited text message on my cell today. It was someone inquiring about the possibility of giving me oral sex. I declined but in a courteous way.

I got my first ever mini-frisbee-golf hole-in-one today. It was sweet.

I learned that cloning a system is best not to do when the system you are cloning is running. Seems obvious in hindsight. Man, the fsck on the new system was horrific. ssh+dd is cool.

A coworker had a small cardboard box at work today. He said if any of us could guess what was in the box, we could have it. After several minutes of us guessing, I finally hit upon it. I am now the proud owner of a partypoker.com hat.

I found that I'm quoted on the SANS website by Stephen Northcutt. Awesome. Too bad most people will think MSU is Michigan State Univ instead of Mississippi State Univ.

So all in all, a red letter day.

I'll close with a story. This happened a few months ago.

Some buddies and I were traveling to Mobile, AL for a disc golf tournament and we were to meet up with another friend in Meridian on the way. While we were waiting for him, I ran inside a convenience store for a drink.

Now, you need to know that I have curly hair. Really curly hair.

As I was checking out, the black lady behind the counter said Oooooweeee, you got some curly hair. I said Yes ma'am. Is it real or you got a perm? It's real, I inherited it from my dad. She looked my mini-fro over again and asked You got some of us in you dontcha? I replied I reckon I do. She turned to her friend He said he reckons he does. Laughter ensued.

When Sharks Attack

2005-06-28T21:42:00.000-05:00

So you've probably heard about the recent shark attacks in Florida. It's pretty scary. I just can't imagine being out in the water and then some big fish happens by and decides that you look tasty and takes your leg off. It would be terrifying and painful. I don't live anywhere near the gulf, ocean or sea so why am I worried? Answer: I'm taking a beach trip with some old school buddies in a few weeks to Destin, where the first attack happened.

What's a guy to do? Travel all the way to Florida, rent a condo for an extended weekend and not go to the beach? Heck no! So I've come up with some possible solutions to ensure I won't get my tasty bits gnawed on.

Wear a suit of armor Ok this is the first one out of the gate and I'll admit, it's a little weak. Yes, the suit will most likely prevent the removal of your limbs from your body but there are some downsides.

It's heavy so if a wave knocks you over, you could very well drown. End result, you die.
It might rust from being in the salty water. No one will want to hang out with you because of how much you squeak.
It's cost prohibitive. Have you seen how much these things go for on eBay? Jeez. Not to mention the shipping costs.
The chafing, oh god, the chafing.

Carry a thick stick about a foot in length This isn't a bad one. You've seen this trick before, they do it on the TV all the time, granted in cartoons, but still. You must be alert. When you see the shark approaching, set your legs and body in a strong defensive stance. As the shark opens his or her mouth to chomp on you, wedge the stick in the open orifice. Just watch out for the sharp teeth. Man, that shark will be so pissed! Make sure you get a strong stick or the shark might break it in two and then come after you again. The problem with this one is the difficulty in timing it just right. You might need to practice on one at Sea World first but they may not let you. I'll look into it.

Attach a handle to a large piece of plexiglass. Think of one of those police riot shields, it's the same concept. Again, you must be alert, you can't be caught by a surprise attack. Once again, when you see the shark approaching, take a strong defensive stance. Make sure to get the plexiglass between you and the shark. Hold on tight to the handle and when the shark strikes, shove the Shark Shield in its face. See, he won't be able to get at you because of the shield. He'll try and try but he can't break through. I mean, he can see you right there, Why can't I get him, the shark'll wonder. You'll just laugh and laugh at that stupid shark. Since the Shark Shield is clear plexiglass you can optionally have one of those waterproof disposable cameras for capturing the shark's frustrating grimaces. Eventually he'll get tired and leave you alone. Just think of the stories you'll tell your friends and you'll have documentation.

Charge up your taser. With nods to Chief Martin Brody. If that danged shark comes after you, let him know he can't mess with you, cause you're busy ogling the girls (or boys). It's simple, with the shark coming at you or if he's already got a hold on your leg, zap him with your taser. Tasers are portable and you could probably fit it in your fanny pack. The downside is, well, if you're in the water too, which I guess you would be if you have a shark hanging off your leg, you will get zapped too. I think it's a small price to pay for keeping all of your appendages.

If these sound too complicated, just poke that shark in the eye. Who in the heck likes a finger in the eye?

If you can think of a better way to ward of the man-eaters, let me know, 'cause I'm going in that water!

Brilliant Idea #16

2005-06-27T10:29:00.000-05:00

Oh man, this is pretty sweet. Feel free to use this idea if it will benefit you if any situation that may arise. I don't know where these ideas come from and I wish I did because I'd totally sell a map of how to get there so that I could finally buy that automatic kitty litter box thing.

How many times have you been at work or at home or wherever and you're trying to get something done but people keep bothering you? I mean, dang people, can I get 15 uninterrupted minutes, please? Not likely. So here's my idea: get one of those little silver call bells and require everyone to ring it before they bother you. If they don't ring it, you ignore them.

Let me say ahead of time, it helps if the sound of the little silver bell doesn't annoy you too much. But knowing that it annoys the heck out of other people will hopefully give you enough satisfaction to stand it.

After deploying your bell, I reckon there will be two responses from people.

One, people will like ringing it and try to use it to annoy you. The solution to this one is easy: throw the bell at them. They probably won't bother you ever again.

Two, the sound of the little silver call bell is very annoying to most people so they won't ring it very often. Also if they have to ring the bell to get your attention they'll make sure they really need to talk to you before they ring in. This helps prevent off-the-cuff type interruptions.

Here are other possible uses:

Ring it every time someone says something non-stupid. I know, I know, this won't happen often, but it's like training a dog. They learn to associate the sound of the bell with doing something good so maybe they'll say less stupid things over time. Hmmmm. Well, actually if they learn to associate the sound of the bell with something good, they might bother you more often with questions. That's no good. So instead ring it when they say something stupid. We've already established most people don't like the sound of the bell. Now they'll learn to not say stupid things or least when you're around anyway and that's the important thing.

Ring it every time you go to the bathroom. This one's mainly for me, I guess. I drink a lot of water, as I have mentioned. I just think it'd be funny to announce every time I'm going to the bathroom by ringing the bell.

--later--

I just read over all this and it's pretty much crap. I really haven't thought all this through. See, I just think it's funny to have a "Ring bell for service" sign with a little bell at my desk. And I have the pictures to prove it. So there.

Please feel free to ring in (ba da bum) with some uses that you can think of in the comments.

Duuuude, ring the bell! (Clicken to embiggen)

Must. Run. Faster.

2005-06-24T23:06:00.000-05:00

So I got pwn3d today by some teenage girls. Here's what happened.

I went to the gym this morning to do my cardio workout. I usually do 50 minutes. Today I did 40 minutes because I planned to run around the lake that's next to the Sanderson Center. It's probably about a mile or so around. So I'm already soaked with sweat from the elliptical and stairclimber machines inside when I set off for my run outside.

Half way around, I'm starting to feel pretty winded and tired. About three quarters of the way, I'm (barely) running along side the "main" entrance to campus and there's one of those little things cops put out to show you how fast you're driving. I think the point is to encourage people to slow down.

Anyway, as I come up to it, there aren't any cars coming up behind me but it's registering 8 or 9 mph. I'm like I know I ain't running that fast; I might be doing 3 mph. And then zoom this little high school looking girl comes flying by me. I'm all Heck naw, she ain't out running me.

Well she did. By a looong shot. Then like three more girls catch up to me but by then I'd made it all the way around and was quitting.

Now these girls were chatting and stretching outside when I started my run. They probably started when I was already halfway around and they still caught me. Dang.

Now I present to you my totally good and valid excuses as to why I got smoked by some teenyboppers:

I had already done 40 minutes of cardio and they hadn't even broken a sweat yet
They are quite a bit younger than me
I had to poop. Really, it's hard to run when you gotta go twosies

It was the first time I actually ran outside in my new shoes. I didn't strain or pull anything. I'll write up a review of said shoes in the near future.